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confronting the conversation confrontation.

 So, yesterday was pretty good, right up until about 8 o'clock. Wilgus and I went to Jiffy Market, then hiked the butte, and then came back down to Jiffy, where Grant (Wilgus's friend) and Grant's friend, Ted, showed up. They ended up sitting with us for an hour or so, just chatting and whatnot. I was focused on finding a tattoo font, so I was fairly quiet and just listened to their stories. I think I laughed here and there. 

We left at around 6:40. Wilgus had a football meeting and I wanted to go home and rest, do some laundry, and talk to my parents because Dirk said he wanted to talk to me. I had a feeling it was something bad, but I kept my cool because I didn't want the conversation to get heated. I'd been home for a while anyway before we even talked. I changed, put some laundry in, played some videogames, and went to inquire what this talk was about when they opened their door.

I sat down on the bed, and said, "You said you wanted to talk to me?"

"It's nothing you would want to talk about," Dirk said.

"How isn't it?"

"I'm not in the right mindset. I don't want to get into another one of our fights. I'll talk to you about it later."

"Well, is it still okay if Wilgus comes over?"

That seemed to piss Dirk off, and so Dirk went off on me. He started complaining about school, and how I'm never home to do my chores, and housing a fourth body. I apologized for my chores and told him that I was going to go down to Lane today to see what was up, or what I could do. My mom has been trying to help me with this school stuff, and it hasn't been going right. I don't trust her, so I want to talk to a counselor. Anyway.

After Dirk got done yelling at me about chores and school, he started on Wilgus. That hurt me so bad. He said, "I shouldn't have to be responsible for keeping a roof over YOUR boyfriend's head," etc etc. I have completely kept them up to date about Wilgus's situation. I've told them that the house is supposed to be done within the next two weeks or so. So I almost started crying, and was trying to explain to them that Wilgus isn't an extra or added cost. He showers the same time I do. I've done his laundry twice, and I do it with mine. He pretty much only sleeps there. He doesn't eat the food, and he doesn't use anything of theirs and ruin or destroy it. Wilgus told me, after everything, he was going to get them a gift for the house as a "thank you" to them for letting him stay there. Anyway, the fight went on.

I walked out of their bedroom, trying to hold back crying, and was like, "Okay, I'm sorry." Because I honestly didn't know it was such an issue. Dirk, nor my mom, had never objected to him coming over when he I asked. And there were a few (maybe two nights?) where I didn't text or ask if he could come over, but that's because it was a work week for them and it was already so late anyway. So I walk off into my room, because I'm frustrated and hurt, and Dirk comes in to ream on me again. This time is was pretty much about Wilgus, and I felt like I was in this awful, unfair position to make my boyfriend stay somewhere less convenient, which we  both ended up doing. So I asked Dirk, "Should I call Wilgus and tell him to find somewhere else to stay?"

"That depends entirely on you," he said.

"I don't  understand. How does it?"

"Depends on your behavior."

"My behavior? I don't understand how I've been behaving badly. I don't know how to rectify this situation anymore than I already have. Everything is out of my power. I did my chores today before I left, like I'm supposed to. I'm going down to the school tomorrow. I can't make tomorrow come any faster. I don't know what to do, or how to help. There's nothing to do."

"There's nothing left to do anymore because it's already been done."

I just sat there feeling like the dirt of the Earth, completely helpless and defenseless against Dirk. It was like he was spitting hot acid on me and I couldn't move. And so he kept yelling at me, and I kept trying to defend myself, and I remained as calm and rational as I could. The fighting just went on, and then he said, "I seriously just want to kick you out. I want to tell you to pack up your shit, and get out of here, so you can get a little perspective."

"Thank you," I muttered under my breath.

The entire time this was going on, I was seriously wondering how bad I had seriously been, or if I was missing something and didn't see it. I ended up calling Wilgus and telling him he needed to find somewhere else to stay. He was like, "Shit! Really?"

"Yes," I said.

"Is everything okay?" he asked.

"No, it's not. I'll tell you about it later." By that point, Dirk had walked off into his bedroom. Wilgus told me he'd just gotten to my street, and was turning around. I told him to go back and park on the street and we would talk. So I went outside, grabbed a cigarette, and vented heavily to Wilgus while he stood there saying, "That's not fair." No, it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that I was taking an undeserved verbal lashing, while Dirk indirectly put tension between himself and Wilgus, and me and Wilgus, and Dirk and I. The entire situation was so blown out of proportion, it felt surreal. Eventually I just sat down in the parking lot of the apartments across the street and cried. Wilgus came over and held me, rubbing my back, telling me to breathe.

He said he was going to go stay at Eli's in the tent in their backyard. I felt awful. There's no toilet and no running water there. It made me feel so shitty having to put him back there, because I know he doesn't like it. I didn't like it. I was furious with Dirk.

I had to go back inside to get Wilgus his wet, unfinished laundry. So I went upstairs, grabbed his shaving cream, tooth brush, tooth paste, and razor, along with all my essential toiletries. I washed my face, because my make up smeared with my tears and sweat. I then went downstairs, grabbed a trash bag, and started unloading Wilgus's laundry. Dirk came down, again, to start talking to me, so I told him: "Every time we fight, you don't give me my space. You don't know how to give me any breathing room to calm down. Can you please do that for me, just this once?" And he flat out told me, "No." 

He proceeded to start up about Wilgus, and was mad that I did his laundry. I was just livid with him at this point, shaking and trying to stop from crying again. He started making more threats about kicking me out, and I seriously had no reply. My mother was upstairs letting the whole thing happen. And all I could think to myself was, what kind of parent kicks their kid out over chores and their boyfriend staying at the house? I couldn't fathom any of it. He started accusing me of never thinking about what he wants, or his needs. He said, "When I start feeling like you aren't giving me what I need, or what I think I need from you, I'm going to start hounding you about it." Which is what he does, but he doesn't do it calmly or rationally. He lets the flood gates loose and drowns me. So in that moment, all I could reply to him was, "I'm sorry this has been such an inconvenience to you." 


I was shaking. I couldn't say or do anything. I grabbed his laundry in the garbage bag and set it on top of my laundry filled basket.

"Also, if you leave, you need to fucking lock the door."

"I do lock the door."

"I just came down and the door wasn't locked."

"I went outside to talk to Wilgus. I could see the front door from where we were standing."

"Well, I didn't know that."

"I always lock the door. I even lock the door when Mom's home. "


"In fact, I'll lock it for you now."

So I shut the door and locked it. I took our laundry to my car, put it in the back, and followed Wilgus to Turtle's, where he fed me and listened to me vent some more. Turtle's is where I started stressing about a place to stay, and where to go. I even stressed about my relationship. I became fearful. Fearful of losing, what seems like, the only recently solid thing in my life. I love him, and I appreciate him. I would be so hurt if anything were to happen to us because of the position Dirk likes to corner me into; because of the position my mother won't help me out of.

I literally have nothing. I don't have a high enough paying job to get my own place. My school situation is all screwy right now. I'm scared that my life is starting to unravel before me and I don't know how to stop it and make it secure again. It's been a heavy cloud on my mind all night and all morning.

We left Turtle's, and I felt so weak. I felt heavy. I felt sick and angry. We got to Eli's and he got the stuff out of his room for the tent. I sat down and cried. I cried for like five minutes. It was loud and echo-y. It was heavy and wet, and I soaked his shirt and neck. He held me, and that felt nice. But then I thought about losing that nice feeling and cried even harder. He rubbed my back.

I stopped crying eventually, and we finished putting up the tent and got everything inside. He hugged me, and I said, "I hope this isn't going to make me lose you." He said, "Baby... that isn't going to happen." I regret saying that now, but I needed comfort.

 He was quiet and far away when we laid down, and it made me feel pretty terrible. I curled up away from him and dwelled and let everything just fester inside of me. I resented Dirk. I was angry with my mother. I was scared that a future with Wilgus would cease to be. I was quiet and he was quiet and the silence was killing me. I didn't know what he was thinking. He knew exactly what I was thinking.

He ended up come over and rubbing my back and my butt. He curled up on top of me and looked at me. I glanced at him, but I was so upset that I was afraid to really look at him. I hated that he was seeing me so low. I hated that he was never going to come stay at my house again because Dirk was irrational and my mother useless. I hated everything about the situation.

I moved, and he said, "Come here." He squeezed me, kissed me, and said good night. I fell asleep quickly.

We were restless all night. He woke up, I woke up. I asked him once if he was okay, and he replied, "I'm delirious." It's funny now, but I dismissed it before. My hips hurt all night. The ground was uncomfortable, and I wanted my bed. But I felt like I couldn't go home. Dirk kicked me out. Again.

We woke up at 8:15 this morning and left. We came to Jiffy Market, which is practically like a second home, just without a shower. I went straight to the bathroom when we got here, brushed my teeth, and put my bra on. I'm in what I slept in last night. My hair is greasy. My eyes are puffy from crying. I look homeless and a wreck.

I'm going to try to go home later and shower. I don't want Dirk to be there. I don't want my mom to notice me if I do come home. I'm still so angry with them. The thing is, I know they expect me to apologize, like this is all my fault. But I just took the beating and got thrown out. I'm a good kid. I don't do anything, and they kick me out. I can't comprehend any of it. 

Things feel strained all over the place.

 Wilgus and I are sitting at Jiffy Market on Hilyard and whatever. It is chilly and I don't appreciate that. There is  table next to us with 4 people and they are bitching about Tennis, which is on the above TV. Wilgus was getting perturbed at their disappreciation (is that even a word?) of the game and the athletes. He's all, "I feel like I'm going to step into their conversation in the next two minutes and say something."

"You should probably not do that," I said.

"But they're being ridiculous. I don't understand what's so wrong about appreciating good athletes."

"I think you need to hold your fiery temper, babe."

And then he pulled his fork out of is mouth and it made a SHINK noise and I thought I offended him, but he was just being dramatic. These people are being kind of ridiculous, though. The girls are all, "AND LIKE, THE LINGERIE, WAS LIKE, A BLACK CORSEEET, AND LIKE AND LIKE AND LIKE AND LIKE." And like shut the fuck up and stop using AND LIKE. Jesus.

There has been a lot to post about, but I mostly told Megan everything crazy or important on the phone the other night, so I really don't feel like recapping all of that. Work was crazy last Thursday on my birthday, and Wilgus and I went to a wedding, and I hung out with Gunnar Sunday night at a party until 5am. That is pretty much the gist of things.

So really, I have nothing to write about, except for the fact that I fucking miss my best friend and I am hating this sudden weather change. I definitely need to be more consistent about updating, which I have NOT been since like... forever.

I'll post the picture from the wedding and call it a post.

"It does even look like me. That's some other red head."
 I had the strangest dream I've had in a long, long time.

It was a dream about a play. The play was about all of these Gothic horror story icons: Frankenstein, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde; I think there was a mummy? AND I WAS THIS WEIRD CRAB CREATURE THAT I CANNOT PLACE FOR THE LIFE OF ME. I'm pretty sure I just made that one up. Anyway, my 9th grade literature teacher, whose name I can't remember, was the director of this play. Everything was going really well with the coordination of costumes and placement, and how the characters shared relations etc etc--but there was a problem. THERE WAS NO STORY LINE. THERE WAS NO DIALOG. Literally, every character was scrambling for what we were supposed to do because the play was going to premiere that night. Anyway, so every one was very nervous, myself included. Something ended up happening and when the curtain pulled, nothing happened, because nobody knew what to do. My 9th grade teacher ended up dismissing the crowd and said, "COME BACK TOMORROW NIGHT, I'M SURE THEY WILL BE READY." She wasn't happy at all. So everybody did more work and it was the next night, BUT WE STILL DID NOT HAVE AN OFFICIAL DIALOG. Everybody winged it. My part wasn't really until the middle of the play, so I had a while to panic, which I did. When I got back to my "spot" from a non-verbal part, my dad came down on set and said, "I can see you over this snow hill, I don't know why." 

I reply, "It's because of the sweatshirt I have on underneath. I'm a crab, I need a hunch." 

"Well maybe you could dig the snow a little deeper.."


"Everyone can see it, too."

So I dig the walk way deeper (which was real snow?) and then my father went and sat back down. My part arrived, and I was nervous as all Hell. But I had a plan, apparently, because I awed the audience with my flying acrobatics? I ended up doing this manly singing bit, and accused this little goblin creature I was running around with to deceiving Dr. Jekyll, and everybody was SHOCKED. Yeah. I bounced around on this extending pole and flew around the whole room probably changing the entire story line, BUT NOBODY EVEN KNEW. I got back to my spot, and then I woke up.

So uh, yeah. I have been sick. Sore throat, achy, tired, headache. No vomiting or runny nose, though. Not even really coughing. I got it after I came home from Crater Lake with Megan, which was a fantastic trip, by the way. We stayed in Bend. On our way back we stopped in Sisters for Ice Cream, and rented a boat at Clear Lake (which is one of my favorite places of all time). We took a lot of pictures, and they captured the lake really well, I thought. It's very pretty there.

Anywho, I'm sick. I was supposed to go to work with Megan last night, but I was not feeling well at all. So I went and got medicine and Season 3 of Friends, and watched that until I fell asleep. I was also supposed to go to breakfast with her and Erica this morning at the Glenwood, but I was feeling the same, if not worse. I felt bad cancelling twice, but I didn't want to risk getting them sick, and I just really had no energy to even exist.

Right now is about the same. I'll probably just stock up on taking my meds and take it easy. I think there might be more Friends involved, too.

time will see us realign.

 I go through these periods where I don't update for shit. Oh well.

Things have been good lately. The end of the school year was a disaster, but I'd rather not re-live any of that. I have been having a pretty wonderful summer so far, despite all of these ridiculous bug bites and the most painful sun burn I've ever had in this history of my life. I dunno, things have just been happy for me.

Except the whole boyfriend thing, or should we say lack there of. I mean, it's not really eating me up or anything, but there are times I really wish I had someone to have butterflies over, or to have over when my parents are out--or not out--and to just be with. I mean, it's not like I'm actively looking for someone; but rather, I hope someone is looking for me. Not that I'm very attractive with sun burnt legs and mosquito bites all over me. But that's besides the point!

Today I am off with Megan and her grandparents to look at their new house in Veneta. I am looking forward to the quality time with her and her family because I really like her and her family. 

Blaaaah, the heat.

 My weekend wasn't half bad. Friday I spent it all day at home for the most part. I played CS with Bobby. We're on good terms? It's all very complicated. We hashed everything out from Thursday night over the following couple of days. His crying and my crying seemed to aid each other. He feels bad. I feel bad. We don't talk about it. He seems ever so loyal again. We aren't technically in a formal boyfriend girlfriend relationship because he says he doesn't want to change his mind and hurt me again, but if he does he's basically going to be breaking up with me either way. We're exactly the same. It bothers me. A lot of things still bother me, actually. I just try to not dwell on it, because I fear that if I do, I'm going to ruin whatever good we have left in our relationship. I don't know. I'm just going with the god damn flow of things because I'm still confused. 

Saturday I spent the day doing.. nothing. I think I played a lot of CS, had my hair dyed. It's back to brown, which I'm happy about. I regret spending all that money to go blond. It wasn't worth it. I was supposed to work concessions, but I really just didn't feel like it at all. I had to work with people I didn't really like, and I knew I'd get stuck doing bathroom duty. The $70 or so dollars just didn't seem worth it, so I called in at 4 and told them I was feeling ill. Later that night, like around 11 or so, I sent Jake a message on Facebook asking to hang out. I was pretty bored out of my mind, and thus pretty desperate for some company. I'm not really very fond of him right now, what with all his attention-getting statuses he posts on Facebook and the fact that he told Nick, Cameron, and Andrew S that we had a "thing", which we definitely did not. He and Megan sorta had a thing, sorta. I don't even think you can call that a thing. Jake tried to have a thing with both of us, but he flaked out. I was with Bobby, and before that we were bed buddies because we stayed at Nick's place and smoked ourselves stupid for two days. Anyway. I was on the phone with Bobby whilst messaging him, and I said I'd be over in a bit. But then Andrew R texted me and asked me to hang out, and he was with Nick and Jackson, and later Cameron and Andrew S. I immediately jumped at the chance to hang out with them, and so I kind of did an awful thing and ditched Jake without saying a word. I just signed out of Facebook and left.

I ended up following Nick and the crew around in my car. We went from one party (the first we did not go in) to Avieta's. I saw my friend Kyle, who is my Advanced Algebra buddy, and various other people I am familiar and semi-friends with. I somehow ended up pouring Kyle shots, and he said that I was amazing or really cool or something along those lines. I took it as a compliment and excused the fact that he was completely trashed. He says that to me when he's sober though, so I think the comment was mostly genuine. We stayed at that party for about 10 minutes, just enough to make appearances and say hello to people, and then Nick, Cameron, both Andrews, Jackson and myself skedaddled off. Andrew R rode with me in my car, Cameron and Andrew S in Andrew's car, and Nick and Jackson in Nick's car. Nick took Jackson home, and Andrew and I went back to Nick's so Cameron could get his car, and then followed Cameron and Andrew to Andrew's house, where we hung out for about an hour. Nick left around 1 I think, and then the rest of us went on a short adventure up to Crenshaw hill and walked around and down to a graveyard. Andrew S was huddled in a blanket and being a huge chicken shit. I mean literally, he was really creeped out. "I'm afraid of getting possessed and all that paranormal shit. It's a huge fear of mine." I sorta laughed and poked fun at him. When we got to the graveyard he was like, "I'm not walking over any fucking grave stones, no. Absolutely not. Fuck that shit." We left there soon after, and Destinee kept calling Andrew R because you know, she was home with the baby. 

Brief intermission: Andrew R and Destinee had their baby Thursday, so yeah. He's a dad now, and she's a mom, and she still hates me, and there's still lots of drama. It sucks 'cause Andrew really is my friend, and now he has a kid, and so I'm going to see even less of him now. End intermission.

We went back to Andrew S's house and took pictures in the pitch black of Cameron's van. It was bright and we were tired, and eventually Andrew S, who was curled up in his blanket, fell asleep (or pretended to fall asleep), and the three of us talked until we all got really tired and the talking stopped. I took Andrew R home around 3am, Cameron left, and Andrew S went inside and did not go back to sleep. He texted me "D:" and a brief conversation about him wanting me to come back and cuddle commenced, but soon died. I didn't really say anything misleading I don't think. I'm not sure what it was about. But the last few times we've hung out in a group Andrew and I seem migrate toward each other. It's weird, and I don't know how I feel about it, even though I am attracted to him, and do think he's cool. It's probably more complicated because of all this Bobby business. I am unsure.

Anyway. I took Andrew R home, and by the time I got home 7 minutes later, he had called me twice and texted me. He was locked out of Destinee's apartment, where his keys to his car and house were. So I went back to her place, picked him up, drove him home, and then went home again. I fell asleep around 4am.

Today was less exciting. I woke up really late, got ready, went to Costco for gas and Target for deodorant. After that quick outing I came back home to check my money situation and make some quick calculations about future-money, and decided to go to DQ before I went off to work. Andrew S was working, and he made my food. He gave me a look and smiled, sorta, and turned pink in the cheeks. I don't know what that means, but I acted like I didn't notice and didn't sorta go there to see him. When he I left he was out in the parking lot getting stuff to stock and asked me, "Did you just come here to eat?" I was thrown by that question, so I just nodded and said, "Yeah." He asked if I made my food, and I told him what I had, and he said he did, so I said thank you to him. He said, "Yeah, you're welcome," and we said goodbye and see ya later and yada yada. I got in my car and left and he went into the back room and I forgot about him for the rest of the night.

I went back home to eat my blizzard and played CS a little bit before work, and then I went to work and was sorta late. I saw Megan there, and she was working concessions, which was pretty god damn dead. She told me she was stressed about homework and very tired and I felt really bad for her. I was going to text her while I was score keeping, but I had Allen and the first thing he told me was "You know you have to check ID's now, right?" and "Don't text. Absolutely not texting. I want to fucking kill Will for texting, and it's Will. It was 8 o'clock, and Will was texting." I found the whole thing pretty amusing, and only texted during half times. Not very many people said anything to me though, so I mostly just went far far away in my thoughts. Allen was pretty funny, I enjoyed him as a ref. I had Brian also, and he seemed.. well, the same as ever. The First game was almost a stop clock, and the second game was a stop clock. Work was good, yeah yeah.

After work I went over to Arthur and Dee's house to watch the rest of the Blazers vs. Suns game, and the Blazers won. They pulled some pretty stupid shit at the end that almost cost them though, it was humiliating. So yeah, I socialized for a bit for about an hour and a half or so and then went home, did laundry, some homework, and now I am off to bed. 

I really am wanting another tattoo though, holy shit. I can't decided if I want my parenthesis or my birds first, or where to get them. I don't knowww, bleh. Whatever, here's to hoping tomorrow is good!

bobby: i almost broke down at a party tonight. our distance is making me depressed babe. cheer me up :(
me: you've been at a party? i thought maybe you were doing homework! i am going to come see you soon baby. talk to me
me: i love you very much and besides sing handedly fragging an entire pub i want you more than anything
bobby: i have been having bad anxiety like you are going to leave me or you aren't going to be out soon
me: why on earth would i leave you? i love you. and we already have the date for me to come out, i just have to get a ticket
i called and left a message here.
me: check your messages babe
bobby: i felt really really uncomfortable tonight.
me: uncomfortable how?

then i got his status post from facebook on my phone, so i checked to see if he was online. he was. the irony in this is i was filling out a jealous quiz when he started texting me. and then i messaged him on facebook.

are you okay?
what's wrong?
i dont want to talk about it
is it something i did?
it's something I did
what did you do?
i didn't do anything
you just said it's something you did
it doesn't mean it was an action.
i don't understand
me neither
babe, please talk to me
no because it's not pleasant
i don't care if it's not pleasant
is it drug related?
then what happened?
I don't want to tell you
you need to tell me
no I don't
at least not this second
did something happen at the party?
with a girl?
but no physical
nothing physical
then what?
tell me
I had some girls try to seduce me tonight aid I had a hard time choosing whether I should give in or not.I am by no means disyloyal which I why I would never do anything, but this is a bad sign. It means that my brain is acting on instinct rather than intuiton. it made me feel awful all night, but it made sense somewhat.
I obviously didn't do anythign
but I felt such a sharp pain as I realized what I had actually thought about doing while I was with anyone, especially you.
so what does this mean?
I think it points to loneliness
so what do you want to do?
but it makes me feel beyond awful knowing that I considered cheating tonight, especially since it wasn't even conscious
and I only tell you this because I've alwyas been 100% honest with you
I could have lied and acted fine
is that why you said you're afraid i'm going to leave you?
then why?
why what
why I said it?
cause you're going to go to college and change completely
i'm not going to change that much
yes you will
everyone does
and if anything i'm just going to grow and become smarter
i'm not going to alter drastically
well be a better educated, well informed, functioning and contributing adult of society
i'll be*
that's not all that changes
you don't know
what else?
it changes your life
living in te dorm
which you need to do at one point or another
so you're socially independant
and active
were you drunk?
not at the time no
and you considered it
I would never do it
but I considered it
because I'm lonely and I have a mass of testosterone I can't control. You don't know how men can get, especially since I've been eating real well lately, my testies have been through the roof. I love you very, very much, but I am not sexually satisfied by this relationship, which is the root of the problem I think.
i know. so do you want to break up?
Not really.
i do everything i can
i'm sorry i'm not there
It has nothing to do with you
It has everything to do with our distance
and it's not your fault either
you said i could trust you
you were just upset about it the other day
you can
I can be trusted
I'm loyal as they come
which is why I'm open about this
you considered touching another woman
being with her, intimately
that's my job
I don't know how to respond
why would you?
i'm really hurt.
I'd imagine you are
I'd be really hurtr
but I feel at peace with the world becasue A I didn't do it and B because I haven't lied to you
that's good.
I don't want to lose you, you're an angelic person. But I can't have my hormones making me feel like I can't live in my own skin.
you can't have both.
have both what?
me and sex wtih other people.
as stupid as it sounds, why?
because you've made a commitment to me.
you don't have to overemphasize
im not mokcking you
I have
i don't want share with skanky drunk girls at parties
i can't
not skanky drunk girls
then who?
girls I know from school
no one you would know
to be honest
to be honest what?
thats what was to be honest
no one you would know
i can't do it
i can't share you with anyone
it's not a fair thing to ask
I'm not a player
I'm not a liar
I'm not a bad guy
but this struggling is only going to get worse, and will only have to progress as you go to your local community college over the next year.
i'm not going to community college here, i'm moving.
to where?
there or eerie, which is significantly closer to you.
i keep telling you this
i feel dizzy. i think i should go.
that makes 2 of us
i don't know what to do
that makes 2 of us
it's ironic that this happens right when i put all of my faith and trust in you
i guess i'll talk to you later
Don't talk about faith and trust
you considered cheating on me
you actually considered it
weighed in your mind
I would never do it
I could never
I have my morals
but it crossing my mind and being a legitimate argument mentally is a monstrous and debiliating idea.
how is it legitimate?
you're with someone
you're with me
no I'm not
I'm in a relationship wtih you
I'm not wiht you
that's what i meant
and you are going to be with me
unless you've changed your mind
I want to be with you
but you won't be out here within the next year and I don't want to feel like I have an icy-hulk inside of my chest
how will i not be out there within the next year?
you said it yourself
that you're goin to have to go to the CC near you
i never said that
i was thinking frantically and emotionally when my parents were fighting and everything seemed against me
if you aren't within 2 gas tanks round trip, you're far.
and even then, that's far
what do you want me to do?
i'm doing everything i can
i have been trying
it isn't you
As cliche as it is
It Isn't you
i feel sick
I do too
I have the heart of mont blacn
I know what's receptors feel like when they're being torched
what receptors*
i love you so much
I love you so much too
it has nothing to do with love
I'm enamored when it comes to you
I've been texting you more often lately
I've been making an effort to be a bette rman
but I don't want to be the man caught in the flash flood
i've already given you everything
I haven't asked you for anything
i feel responsible
i can't digest any of this
It does hurt when you deject me when it comes to being naughty, but that's so few and far between that is has no real significance in the spectrum of things
cause for the most part you do anything
i would do anything for you
i only say no when i dont feel good
i've never wanted to cheat on you
I don't wnat to cheat on you either
I would never
I feel like I'm a protector of you
like I was meant to watch over you
I would never do something like that to you
i even called and left you a message to cheer you up
you are not
it is NOT
You have everything a man could want in a wife
you're loyal smart pretty smell nice sexy and willing to do anything to make someone happy, that sounds like a bomsbshell to me
but the thing is, I don't know if I'm ready to find a wife just yet. I feel like I got all jittery and weirded tonight but I didn't want to accept what was physiologically happening to me
I feel like you want to wrap me up stuff me in a box and keep me forever
i dont want to be your wife
which isn't a bad thing
i just want to be your girlfriend
and your best friend
which i thought i was
you are my best friend
why do you think
I'm being honest with you babe
Icould have been like every other scumbag
and be completely deceptive
especially with the capability of my mind, I could deceive you with ease probably
I've never tried so I wouldn't know
what do you want from me?
I want to be your best friend
I want you to come spend time with me
and I also want freedom to do what I want, until A. you're out here close enough where we can be normal and B. I'm ready to be roped up and lasso'd away
I'm not a bad person
I'm not wrong for doing what I'm doing
I've done long distance way too much of my life, it's just reached the boiling point
I want to not be in a LDR more than I want the freedom mind you.
which is what I should have said instead of freedom because of the implications it carries
i hope you enjoy it. goodbye.
that's swell.
you went idle
i thought you left
look i feel extremely betrayed
and i hurt more than i ever have
especially because you do this break up thing with me all the tiem
and i always come back , and i'm always loyal
and i'm always waiting

and then he signed off.

i feel so hurt and so betrayed. i don't know what to do. i'm shaking and i heave a really bad headache and i feel dizzy and sick to my stomach. i feel awful. i feel stupid.  

i wish i didn't love him.

You're hot like lava, baby.

What vegatable do you most resemble?
physically or characteristically?
Suprise me.
You're a TWO ANSWER kind of person.
Well, I probably resemble a horse radish the most. I'm kinda hot, and I'm juicy when you bite down.
Best answer ever.
thank you!

Little things like that make me smile bigger than anything else. It was just good. And also, sometimes I surprise myself with my own wit, haha.
Do you believe that a higher power controls our fate or that we choose our own destinies?

If a higher power controlled our fate, that means that every bad decision a person has made as already been pre-decided for them. It means that no matter what, they're going to go down that path. Somehow, that doesn't sit well with me. I think we have the choice to do right or wrong, or be good or bad. We have the control, and we choose to do the things we do. Logically, that's how I see things. Blah blah blah, redundancy. 

- - - - -

All of Spring Break has sucked complete and utter shit. I haven't done a god damn thing. I've procrastinated completely on my homework. I didn't do anything fun or exciting. I've been at home. That bothers me. It makes me really upset, actually.

I worked concessions at Regional yesterday for a roller derby event. I was late because I got confused with the schedule. When I showed up it was very busy, and I didn't know what I was doing at all. I tore my hands up pretty well. I got a paper cut and tore a chunk of skin off my finger with the can opener and got various other scratches and cuts on my hands from god knows what. Eventually I got the swing of things, though, so the long crowds and the waves of people didn't bother me so much. Toward the end, it got kind of fun. I made $11 in tips that we split four ways. That was nice. I stuck it in my piggy bank, which is pretty empty.

I feel very stressed out. I'm stressed about my friendships and my parents and Bobby and moving and school. Nothing is transitioning very easily for me right now and I hate it. My parents still fight and somehow I get caught in the middle or feeling awkward about it all. I think Dirk might be screwing around on my mom now, even though he was really hurt when he found out she had an affair for 2~ years. He just acts weird. I don't think they love each other anymore. That, or their love is so complicated and so saturated by their financial grief they can't see through anything. I don't like living here anymore. I haven't for a long time, I guess. I think that once I finish out the school year I'm gonna move in with my dad for a short time. I can't stay here, it drives me crazy. I feel mentally exhausted and I'm always depressed. Not to mention if Bobby comes out this summer, I don't want to expose him to that. It's not fair.

I think tomorrow I'm gonna start going to the gym. I need something to make me happy, and to vent. Also, anything to keep me from home is okay with me. My mom gave me her gym pass, which I hope is still active. If not, I dunno what I'm gonna do. I guess we'll find out.

I just want to feel better.

heavy boots.

you can talk on here
if u want
i'm just going to send the damn text
i already wrote it
i guess oodnight then.
i sent you a text
resent it
right now
but i sent it
it had a little green check mark by it
i got 2 at the same time from 3:05 and 3:11
and what kind of wu
question is how long
i dunno
it was a question
so i asked it
you dont think i love you?
i never
said that
i asked how long i had your love
you aren't with me
you are subject to other influences
i dunno
you could move on
you could do whatever
that's what makes this so confusing
you love me but you don't want to me with me
you don't want to make or keep all of the formal commitments of being in a relationship
long distance or what have you
but you tell me you love me
you act so similar to the way things were before
i can't connect the two
if you going to be that way anyway
why not just be with me?
if you don't want to be committed to me, why say and act the way you do?
why talk and act* and because everytime I get into a relationship with you it always gets broken up somehow
and now everything is fine and I feel better
but I feel like if I ask you out it will just turn to shit again
I know
don't forget that
and then you FEEL BETTER
and on and on
okay Mackenzie
why do you feel better?
because I'm not stressed out over not being with you
and being able to hold you
and I'm not worried about keeping you content and saying the correct ttimehing every
correct thing every time* f laptops
do you realize how what you just said looks?
in context with the way things have been between you and i since we have broken up
everything, the communication between you and i, what words are exchanged, and the level of intimacy they exhibit, are completely contingent upon your impulsiveness; it's all about when you decide you want it
but when i say "i miss you and your simplicity"
you want me to back off
because it's too stressful
and because you need your space
do you realize how completely unfair that is?
has been
about you
what you want, and what you can and can't handle, and when everything is okay for you
it's not fair
why not tell me this 8 months ago?
would it have changed anything?
and i honestly never expected to be back here again with you
back here with me again?
yes, broken up, and confused, and completely willing to do anything for you
because i want to make you happy
why don't you look out for yourself for once
because i'm scared to death of losing you
and you don't get it
I really don't
i constnatly say i don't want you to ahte me because I figured you would now
I know I've made mistakes
but me knowing I did them still doesn't change my irrationality, even though I try
and you don't know how much it hurts to watch or hear anything sorrowful leave those gorgeous lips of yours
you try
so hard
to push me away
even when you had me there
at your every disposal
you pushed me away
you kept me at a distance
where i couldn't reach you
i couldn't touch you
that's a lie
it's not
I was completely open with you
you even said so yourself, bobby
you were closed to me
you were closed with me a lot
not as bad as you make it seem
okay mackenzie
you're right
so why do you want me then if I'm nothing but a troublesome, confused, selfish, hurtful fuck? If I'm constantly making the same mistakes and not learning, why even bother with me?
because i have a lot of faith in you as a person
because i hope you'll grow out of this, and finally get things
finally get my love and care for you
finally learn to appreciate it
you're my best friend, besides megan
you aren't something i can just throw my hands up at and walk away from
Idk what to tell you
because my feelings are still the same for you, but I just can't handle the relationship
so I don't know what you're going to do
and I really don't expect you to be my bitch
please stop talking to me with that conviction
i deserve more respect than that
i'm telling you
what you do
no matter how I say aything
and you're not listening
it's disrspectful
or demoralizing
or xyz
i've tried 100x ways
to try and make things clear to you
without offending you
so please
I am listening
it's just not good enough any which way
because you know I'm not talking to you condescendingly
you're being short
wtf dpes that mean
this is why i wanted to write a letter
you expect too much from my man brain with the whole short thing
I'm a guy, somethings I will never comprehend
just don't worry about it then
and you tell me to stop being short
it's not really a big deal
stop talking on a grand scale
and then retreating before first blood
don't patronize me right now, please
I am NOT
i'm really not in the mood for it
What the fuck do you want from me
I'm not the great character you make me out to be
you keep asking that, and i keep telling you
and i think you're great, everybody else thinks you're great; why don't you have a little faith in yourself?
I'm nothing but someone who can play video games well and write decently with an impulsive nature in relationships. I'm not amazing or sweet or extraordinary like you claim, I'm just another asshole who does nothing but piss you off all the time and/or make you upset. I'm tired of always fucking up and getting yelled at for something I don't mean to do when all I try to do is make you smile.
and no one else thinks i'm great
will thinks you're pretty great
no he doesn't
he's just in love with every man
i'm nothing close to good if you look at our track record
everything isn't good enough, is offensive, or I just fuck up somehow
you have been good enough many times
many many many times
you are good enough for me
and I'm tired of being told to stop patronizing or mocking or whatever you want to use in place when all I'm doing is talk
if you weren't, i wouldn't try so hard with you
if you are that tired of everything, and really do not want to be in this relationship, i won't ask it from you anymore. i really won't.
but i can't let you get away with everything either.
it's damaging, honestly.
i can't handle the confusion and the anxiety i get from you taunting me with everything while not wanting to commit to anything.
i'm exhausted by trying to give you everything, your space, the love, the words, the flattery, the distance; everything you absolutely ever need and want from me, while i don't get the feeling of being the least bit appreciated for it.
i love you at a gravity with you don't understand, and perhaps you never will.
but i'm not your door mat.
and i'm tired of feeling like this.
i don't deserve it.
i've been very good to you, considering our circumstances.
I avoided
telling you anything
becuase I didn't want to lead you on
and then I do
and then it's me teasing you
when it's what you wanted
no, i want your commitment.
i don't want the candy just to have it taken anyway.
statements like "you're more than just a friend" confuse me, because to me that means a girlfriend, someone you're romantically involved with, and monogamous with.
but you aren't any of those things with me, because you broke up with me.
that's my logic, that's how i perceive things.
I can't give you what you want
i cant feel inadequate anymore
why do you feel inadequate?
yo say im great all the time
and compliment out the wazoo
adn then doing nothing but tell me what I do wrong
and get offended
that's so beyond false
i get offended by WHAT?
do you know what i get offended by, honestly?
i get offended when you say things about other girls, because i'm insecure about my looks, or have been in the past.
i get offended when you talk a lot of shit about oregon, but i'm that way with everyone.
everyone pisses me off when they don't shut up about oregon.
i don't get offended by anything else
i don't get offended by racist or sexist jokes
i have a decent sense of humor
i'm not socially awkward and secretly scorning everything everyone says
i do not get offended unless it's about specific things
you're always offended by something I do or say
it's either rude or it's not good enough
one of the two
no i'm not
and that's not true
Your emulation of me is immaculate, but only when you're writing me down on paper. From the norm, it seems like you're lost in translation because I have done more good than bad and you somehow honestly, or appear to, believe thatI'm great
it's not just paper, clearly.
i treated you like a king when i came to visit.
i made you breakfast every morning.
most of the time you didn't even come down with me
I know what you did
i know exactly how i feel about you
i know exactly how you make me feel
and how you make me feel it
and I know how awful I was
you just put me downa
and then try to say otherwise
telling you how you hurt me is not putting you down
i don't call you a piece of shit and then turn around and say you're the greatest human being to walk through my world
i have always thought highly of you
but you're impulsive and you don't think
well whether you mean it or not that's how it appears
what do you want from me?
i worship the ground you walk on. do you realize that other PEOPLE noticed that about me when i was there?
kevin or will said something about it
and those were the words they used
i'm so fucking obvious about you
so don't sit here
and try to tell me
i don't remember anything of the sort
i don't think you were there
or you were having a conversation on the side
it was said in passing
you worship me too much
I don't deserve half of it
maybe you don't, but that's besides the point
look, you've already said you can't give me anything. so i'm not asking.
i don't know what you're looking for, or what you need, but clearly i don't have it.
so then what
i don't know what else to say to you. i've practically spilled all of my guts.
and i told you how I felt
and how I'm nervous still
so I don't knwo what you wnat from me
I'm doing the best I can
so idk what you want
yeah, i get that.
im sure you'll find someone better
you ahve plenty of guys chasing you anyway
shut up
don't even
it's true
you always have fb stalkers of all sorts
aka sonny sparks and the like
do you realize
i've never even met that kid?
he's 25
so stop
that's so
whether i have men lined up around the block for me or not is irrelevant to my feelings for you.
it is so apparent, after everything, that those people are not who i'm interested in
I just don't want you to wait for me when I know it makes you unhappy and drives you crazy
if you
don't want me
and I can't say how I feel because always a problem
why don't you just tell me, instead of beating around the bush
I'm not beating around the bush
you aren't being straightforward.
i think I should pull an all-nighter
and i am
i just dont know what im trying to concisely say with each clause
just do whatever will make you not hurt anymore.
for you.
i can't just do that.
i can't just do whatever i want and not think about you.
it's not who i am.
you can do whatever you put your mind to
i'm going to hurt no matter what.
i'm not at all interested in dating other people, even though there is someone very keen on getting to know me.
i don't want that.
don't you tell me
that you have someone wanting to know you very keenly
and then say you don't want it
i don't.
not at all.
completely faunting the possibilty in my face
it's not a possiblity.
i told him i wasn't interested.
his name is adam
from ur hs>?
no, from regional.
the old guy?
he's 26, so yeah i guess. which is another thing that makes me not interested.
adam wilgus?
that's really strange
that's also besides the point.
the point is, i'm not ready to get over you, or move on, or otherwise.
i'm not ready. i don't want to.
okay well
if you do
you can't date anyone older than 20
cause that's just gross.
you're going to be 21.
and i'm going to be 19.
and i'm not discussing that with you.
it was meant to make you laugh
well thanks.
don't you oh me
does will know everything?
what do you mean?
i mean does he know everything
do you talk to him about this on a consistent basis
do you confide in him about all of your woes and misfortunes
I guess you could say that
in a melodramatic way
what about in a normal way?
i mean
what is you said is an exaggerated version
but yes
i was just curious.
what do you want from me?
you to be happy
no no no
that's not what i mean
what do you want from me?
you being happy
that's not what i mean and you know it.
no i dont im dumb
forget it then.
no i dont im dumb
forget it then.
I want you
to do whatever is best for YOU
and to look at me from a realistic approach
and decide what to do taht would be best for you
what'a a realistic approach?
an unbias one
that deals with solely fact
you're doing everything you can in hopes for me to just drop you.
and that's what it feels like you want.
don't tell me
what im doing
well your message isn't very clear
you're being sort of cryptic
you keep encouraging me to move on and find someone else, as if there's no hope for us ever again. like you intend on moving on and so you think i should too.
and if that's what you're really thinking then i wish you would tell me instead of trying to spare my feelings.
you assume too much
this isnt my poetry
im not trying to connotate anything
you're being so ambiguous with your words though
move on
find someone good enough for you
have at it
is that what you really mean?
because thats obviously ive been say ng
fuck man
I don't fuckign know
I've said that 100x
and apologized 100x
because I just
s move with your fucking life
or do something productive
with this situation
or just do anything
but ask me what I mean
because I don't even fucking know.
okay. i'm sorry for bothering you.
you cant tae the offensive and then just crumble
i just dont wnat to be asked what I want again because if I had an answer I'd tell you but all I can say is what I've said before and I won't say anything enticing or taunting anymore to not f with you
and when you decide what you're going to do
you let me know
i told you what i'm doing
i just don't want to be confused anymore
so then what are you doing
i don't want to say it because i feel like an idiot
say it
i already told you
i'm not going anywhere.
which means
which means i'm not going anywhere.
which means i'm staying right here.
which means i'm not moving on.
which means i'm not going to rush out and find someone else.
i'll let you get on with your all nighter.
i just dont know what to say
you've kind of said it all.
i'll never win
im going to sleep
sleep well.
never will be good enough for you
what won't?
i'm just really hurt.
for youill never do anything right
never suffice
you do things right all the time.
im sorry
good night

so after that conversation i'm really hurt. i feel uneasy in my stomach and i don't know what to do. i feel very stupid but i can't help it. what hurts me the most is everytime i tried to tell him that he was good enough and that he didn't always screw up he wouldn't listen to me. he just made me feel awful for complimenting him and i don't understand. i feel shattered. i don't know what else to do.

(seven of seven)

 So, in five long 7/7 pages of text, I sent this to Bobby, my last plea or statement or whatever you want to call it. I think I did myself justice. I think I was valid, understanding, and reasonable. I think I proved myself, and made appropriate points. I think I did okay.

Things happened tonight and it only reaffirmed that Bobby is the apple of my god damn eye. Every quality and desire and dream I have ever had about the opposite sex as a significant other or otherwise, he has, even though he has a few I can't stand, his inconsistencies being one of them. But I love him, oh boy do I love him. 

If he rejects me after all of this, I'll probably drop pursuing him and just be single for a while. I don't want to hook up or date or enter into a relationship with anybody else right now. I love Bobby, I do and always have, and if I can't have him, then I would just rather keep to myself. Emotionally, it's probably the best thing for me anyway. Bingley was a confusing element for a while, but I've been cured of that, and it only took one dinner, which is unfortunate because the poor guy likes me and thinks I'm amazing (I'll write about that later).

If he gets knocked to his senses after this, even if it takes a couple days or a week or whatever, and then slips right back into not appreciating me and taking everything for granted, that's the end of it. I'll probably wish him good luck and cease being his friend, and he can learn things the hard way. I'm not being conceded, but I know what kind of person I am and I'm a damn good catch. If he doesn't understand that then he needs a couple of shit relationships to wake up, at which point I'll most likely be gone and lezing out with Megan (see platinum blonde hair joke).

Anyway, here it is.

"So I did a lot of thinking today. I think I did almost everything you've ever asked from me in favor and love. I think despite my flaws, which are apart of my personality and not kinks to be worked out, I was perfect. I loved you when you said such awful things like, "I'm actually glad she's going home in two days," and "This relationship bores me." I loved you when you weren't certain and learned and accepted you were never going to be the way you were when we were first together, and I loved you just as soundly. I read a book and started touching myself in a spot I would not normally think to do it, for you, as a gift, as something special between you and I. I worshiped you, admired you, loved you regardless of your imperfections. You were perfect to me and I saw through them even though sometimes I picked at them, but only when I couldn't tell if you loved me back. You have been inconsistent ever since I came home last summer. You have loved me and not loved me and felt nothing and wanted a break. You asked me back saying, "Let's get married."

Even Matt told you to stop treating me badly because I am good, and as good as it gets. And you agreed. But we're back here again because of school, which is a perfect and convenient excuse to escape anything, in my opinion. I have been ever loyal to you. I love you despite the 2k miles that stands between us right NOW. I work my ass off every day because I know at the end of the day it helps me get closer to you, and you have taken it all for granted, because I'm a little insecure, because I love you a little too much. I have too much self-respect to be toyed around with like this. I am not going to keep offering myself as subject to your entertainment while you inconsistently want me more than anything and only want me enough to be friends. You broke up with me through texting and I deserve so much more than that. I deserve a plane ride and a bouquet of roses and a face to face break up. I love you bit all your words, your plans and promises and all the things you want don't mean much to me now because you keep scurrying back into your hole.

I am an incredibly great catch. I'm smart and I'm funny. I read and I write and I pay attention. I notice the way you walk and I have always done my very best to take care of you, when I am with you in person and when I am not. I listen to your problems and I always ask how you're doing and I always care. I try to look pretty for you two thousand miles away. I bra g to my friends about you, and I don't keep you a secret. I love you openly and loudly. I deserve to be kept, and I want it to be by you so badly. But you keep going back on everything and leaving me when I try so hard to be good to you. I don't think you have the right to ask me to be just friends with you. I sat between two fat, loud black women to come see YOU. I wear that necklace you got me EVERY DAY. I love you and no one else and I never wonder why I'm with you when you aren't here and I never want to leave because of the fights or the stress or the differences. I never want anybody better or worse. I just want you. I want you like crazy people want to go to heaven.

So what I'm trying to get at is I'm great and I will love you better and longer and more fully than any other person you will meet. I don't need marriage or babies or a god damn fortune teller to tell me that in the long run I will need no one else to make me at ease with the world, to make me content with everything even when it's god damn cold out. You are missing the love. I KNOW I am not perfect and I know I am still growing, but so are you and we could grow together. I know you are afraid of being hurt, but look at things from my perspective for a minute. I have not told you I've wanted out since Jack, when you and I were still fresh. I know not being together is rough, I know that so well. But if I knew I would not die or get lost or worse, I would walk my way, because I can't run and you know that, to you a thousand times over. I love you a thousand times over, infinitely and all of the universe.

I'm not begging for you back. I'm not even asking for you back, immediately or otherwise--I'm just asking you, please please please, I implore you, to think about this. Think about it all, the good, the bad, the horribly awful, and the infinite potential. I handle things the wrong way sometimes or a lot of times but I am growing. So please, when you're done reading stupid stream of consciousness Mrs. Dalloway or you're eating your plain school food with your two glasses of nonfat milk and a glass of water, think about me, and you, and everything in between. Because although I'm not perfect, I think I can make you happy best."

Yeah, after just typing all this up, after texting it, I think this is it. I don't have a lot of energy for this left.


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