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bobby: i almost broke down at a party tonight. our distance is making me depressed babe. cheer me up :(
me: you've been at a party? i thought maybe you were doing homework! i am going to come see you soon baby. talk to me
me: i love you very much and besides sing handedly fragging an entire pub i want you more than anything
bobby: i have been having bad anxiety like you are going to leave me or you aren't going to be out soon
me: why on earth would i leave you? i love you. and we already have the date for me to come out, i just have to get a ticket
i called and left a message here.
me: check your messages babe
bobby: i felt really really uncomfortable tonight.
me: uncomfortable how?

then i got his status post from facebook on my phone, so i checked to see if he was online. he was. the irony in this is i was filling out a jealous quiz when he started texting me. and then i messaged him on facebook.

Mackenzie
hey
you
12:44amRobert
hi
12:45amMackenzie
are you okay?
12:45amRobert
no
12:45amMackenzie
what's wrong?
12:45amRobert
i dont want to talk about it
12:45amMackenzie
okay
is it something i did?
12:46amRobert
no
it's something I did
12:46amMackenzie
what did you do?
12:46amRobert
i didn't do anything
12:46amMackenzie
you just said it's something you did
12:46amRobert
it doesn't mean it was an action.
12:47amMackenzie
i don't understand
12:47amRobert
me neither
12:47amMackenzie
babe, please talk to me
12:47amRobert
no because it's not pleasant
12:48amMackenzie
i don't care if it's not pleasant
is it drug related?
12:48amRobert
no
12:48amMackenzie
then what happened?
12:49amRobert
I don't want to tell you
12:49amMackenzie
you need to tell me
12:49amRobert
no I don't
at least not this second
12:49amMackenzie
did something happen at the party?
12:49amRobert
yes
12:49amMackenzie
with a girl?
12:49amRobert
yes
but no physical
nothing physical
so
relax
12:50amMackenzie
then what?
tell me
12:52amRobert
I had some girls try to seduce me tonight aid I had a hard time choosing whether I should give in or not.I am by no means disyloyal which I why I would never do anything, but this is a bad sign. It means that my brain is acting on instinct rather than intuiton. it made me feel awful all night, but it made sense somewhat.
I obviously didn't do anythign
but I felt such a sharp pain as I realized what I had actually thought about doing while I was with anyone, especially you.
12:54amMackenzie
so what does this mean?
12:54amRobert
I think it points to loneliness
12:55amMackenzie
so what do you want to do?
12:55amRobert
idk
but it makes me feel beyond awful knowing that I considered cheating tonight, especially since it wasn't even conscious
and I only tell you this because I've alwyas been 100% honest with you
I could have lied and acted fine
12:56amMackenzie
is that why you said you're afraid i'm going to leave you?
12:57amRobert
no
12:57amMackenzie
then why?
12:57amRobert
why what
why I said it?
12:57amMackenzie
yes
12:57amRobert
cause you're going to go to college and change completely
12:57amMackenzie
i'm not going to change that much
12:57amRobert
yes you will
everyone does
12:57amMackenzie
and if anything i'm just going to grow and become smarter
i'm not going to alter drastically
well be a better educated, well informed, functioning and contributing adult of society
i'll be*
12:58amRobert
that's not all that changes
you don't know
12:58amMackenzie
what else?
12:58amRobert
it changes your life
especially
especially
living in te dorm
which you need to do at one point or another
so you're socially independant
and active
12:59amMackenzie
were you drunk?
12:59amRobert
not at the time no
12:59amMackenzie
and you considered it
12:59amRobert
yes
I would never do it
but I considered it
12:59amMackenzie
why?
Robert
because I'm lonely and I have a mass of testosterone I can't control. You don't know how men can get, especially since I've been eating real well lately, my testies have been through the roof. I love you very, very much, but I am not sexually satisfied by this relationship, which is the root of the problem I think.
1:01amMackenzie
i know. so do you want to break up?
Robert
Not really.
Mackenzie
i do everything i can
i'm sorry i'm not there
1:03amRobert
It has nothing to do with you
It has everything to do with our distance
and it's not your fault either
Mackenzie
you said i could trust you
you were just upset about it the other day
1:04amRobert
you can
I can be trusted
I'm loyal as they come
which is why I'm open about this
1:05amMackenzie
you considered touching another woman
being with her, intimately
that's my job
Robert
I don't know how to respond
1:06amMackenzie
why would you?
i'm really hurt.
1:07amRobert
I'd imagine you are
I'd be really hurtr
but I feel at peace with the world becasue A I didn't do it and B because I haven't lied to you
1:08amMackenzie
that's good.
Robert
I don't want to lose you, you're an angelic person. But I can't have my hormones making me feel like I can't live in my own skin.
1:09amMackenzie
you can't have both.
Robert
have both what?
1:09amMackenzie
me and sex wtih other people.
1:10amRobert
as stupid as it sounds, why?
1:10amMackenzie
because you've made a commitment to me.
1:10amRobert
you don't have to overemphasize
im not mokcking you
I have
1:11amMackenzie
i don't want share with skanky drunk girls at parties
i can't
1:11amRobert
not skanky drunk girls
1:11amMackenzie
then who?
1:11amRobert
girls I know from school
no one you would know
to be honest
Mackenzie
to be honest what?
1:15amRobert
thats what was to be honest
no one you would know
1:15amMackenzie
i can't do it
i can't share you with anyone
it's not a fair thing to ask
Robert
I'm not a player
I'm not a liar
I'm not a bad guy
but this struggling is only going to get worse, and will only have to progress as you go to your local community college over the next year.
1:17amMackenzie
i'm not going to community college here, i'm moving.
1:17amRobert
to where?
1:18amMackenzie
there or eerie, which is significantly closer to you.
i keep telling you this
Mackenzie
i feel dizzy. i think i should go.
Robert
that makes 2 of us
1:21amMackenzie
i don't know what to do
1:21amRobert
that makes 2 of us
1:22amMackenzie
it's ironic that this happens right when i put all of my faith and trust in you
i guess i'll talk to you later
Robert
Don't talk about faith and trust
1:23amMackenzie
you considered cheating on me
you actually considered it
weighed in your mind
1:24amRobert
I would never do it
I could never
I have my morals
but it crossing my mind and being a legitimate argument mentally is a monstrous and debiliating idea.
1:24amMackenzie
how is it legitimate?
you're with someone
you're with me
1:25amRobert
no I'm not
I'm in a relationship wtih you
I'm not wiht you
1:25amMackenzie
that's what i meant
and you are going to be with me
unless you've changed your mind
1:25amRobert
I want to be with you
but you won't be out here within the next year and I don't want to feel like I have an icy-hulk inside of my chest
1:26amMackenzie
how will i not be out there within the next year?
1:26amRobert
you said it yourself
that you're goin to have to go to the CC near you
1:26amMackenzie
i never said that
i was thinking frantically and emotionally when my parents were fighting and everything seemed against me
Robert
if you aren't within 2 gas tanks round trip, you're far.
and even then, that's far
1:30amMackenzie
what do you want me to do?
i'm doing everything i can
i have been trying
1:30amRobert
Mackenzie
it isn't you
As cliche as it is
It Isn't you
1:30amMackenzie
i feel sick
1:30amRobert
I do too
I have the heart of mont blacn
I know what's receptors feel like when they're being torched
what receptors*
1:31amMackenzie
i love you so much
1:31amRobert
I love you so much too
it has nothing to do with love
I'm enamored when it comes to you
I've been texting you more often lately
I've been making an effort to be a bette rman
but I don't want to be the man caught in the flash flood
1:33amMackenzie
i've already given you everything
1:33amRobert
I haven't asked you for anything
1:33amMackenzie
i feel responsible
i can't digest any of this
Robert
It does hurt when you deject me when it comes to being naughty, but that's so few and far between that is has no real significance in the spectrum of things
cause for the most part you do anything
1:34amMackenzie
i would do anything for you
i only say no when i dont feel good
Mackenzie
i've never wanted to cheat on you
1:36amRobert
I don't wnat to cheat on you either
I would never
I feel like I'm a protector of you
like I was meant to watch over you
I would never do something like that to you
1:38amMackenzie
i even called and left you a message to cheer you up
1:38amRobert
you are not
INADEQUATE.
it is NOT
you
You have everything a man could want in a wife
you're loyal smart pretty smell nice sexy and willing to do anything to make someone happy, that sounds like a bomsbshell to me
Robert
but the thing is, I don't know if I'm ready to find a wife just yet. I feel like I got all jittery and weirded tonight but I didn't want to accept what was physiologically happening to me
I feel like you want to wrap me up stuff me in a box and keep me forever
1:41amMackenzie
i dont want to be your wife
1:41amRobert
which isn't a bad thing
1:41amMackenzie
i just want to be your girlfriend
and your best friend
which i thought i was
1:41amRobert
you are my best friend
why do you think
I'm being honest with you babe
Icould have been like every other scumbag
and be completely deceptive
especially with the capability of my mind, I could deceive you with ease probably
I've never tried so I wouldn't know
Mackenzie
what do you want from me?
1:43amRobert
I want to be your best friend
I want you to come spend time with me
1:45amRobert
and I also want freedom to do what I want, until A. you're out here close enough where we can be normal and B. I'm ready to be roped up and lasso'd away
I'm not a bad person
1:45amMackenzie
oh
1:45amRobert
I'm not wrong for doing what I'm doing
I've done long distance way too much of my life, it's just reached the boiling point
I want to not be in a LDR more than I want the freedom mind you.
which is what I should have said instead of freedom because of the implications it carries
1:58amMackenzie
i hope you enjoy it. goodbye.
Robert
that's swell.
thanks.
2:03amMackenzie
you went idle
i thought you left
look i feel extremely betrayed
and i hurt more than i ever have
especially because you do this break up thing with me all the tiem
and i always come back , and i'm always loyal
and i'm always waiting

and then he signed off.

i feel so hurt and so betrayed. i don't know what to do. i'm shaking and i heave a really bad headache and i feel dizzy and sick to my stomach. i feel awful. i feel stupid.  

i wish i didn't love him.

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
zevhonith
Apr. 9th, 2010 03:49 pm (UTC)
Look, I know you don't even know me, and you have no reason whatsoever to listen to what I have to say, but I'm gonna say a thing or two anyway, and you can do whatever you want with it. My perspective in this situation comes as someone who has not really ever had a long-distance relationship, but did have a scumbag cheating boyfriend for several years.

So... over and over again, he's congratulating himself for being honest with you while simultaneously setting up the argument for why he IS going to cheat, WHEN he cheats.

He's letting future-him off the hook. He tried to be a nice guy, he tried to do the right thing, but this damned loneliness and testosterone and instinct and college is just different, you wouldn't understand, and none of it is his fault. He doesn't once actually take responsibility for it, he just lists reasons why the URGE wasn't his fault, but his magnificent restraint, of course, IS. But next time, maybe he just won't be strong enough, and that would be really sad, and he's already sorry for it.

I think he's asking you to break up with him. I think in some ways he's begging you to break up with him, so that he can be the sad lonely victim (who will of course get tons of chicks, btw, due to his vulnerability and dumped-ness), so that you'll always wish you could have made it work with him, and so that it will plainly be your fault.

And I hate to say, give the guy what he wants, but I think you'll be happier in the long run if you do. I also think, based on my experience, that you won't, and he'll cheat on you, and he'll work hard to make you feel like it was at least in some small way your fault. Because you're younger, you don't know what college is like, you're too far away, all of those combined. And it might even be enough to make you forgive him. And if you do, he'll do it again.

Obviously I don't know you and I don't know this guy, and I'm willing to believe he's not an inherently bad guy, but it IS really difficult to maintain a long-distance relationship, and it IS really difficult to cross the gap between high school and college, and for most people college is their time to experiment and push their boundaries. Maybe he's experimenting with being a jerk. Maybe he'll be a good guy again sometime soon.

But this? This conversation right here? These are the words of a man who has either already cheated on you, and is trying to alleviate the damage, or is going to cheat on you soon, and is setting up his excuses.

Again, from my experience, I know you won't take my advice. You can't, really - it doesn't do any good to try to leave them before you're ready, you'll just go back the next time he calls. Just please remember, when something else happens and you feel even more hurt and more betrayed, remember this and maybe even come back and read it a couple times, and try to really internalize this fact:

It's not your fault. It will never be your fault. It's his choice. You could not have prevented it by being a better girlfriend, or moving closer to him, or whatever it is he says is wrong. The only person that can keep him from cheating is him.
ohkenzie
Apr. 9th, 2010 08:11 pm (UTC)
Your words were a perfect echo of everything I already knew and felt. I wrote him a letter telling him that I was leaving, which I didn't end up reading to him. I just told him how he hurt me, and we talked, and I left. I broke up with him, because I don't deserve that kind of hurt. I didn't do anything. I have been so loyal to him.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read that awful conversation and for encouraging me to do the right thing. I appreciate it very, very much.
zevhonith
Apr. 9th, 2010 08:13 pm (UTC)
No problem. :) You seem like an awesome person. I'm really glad that you were already in a place to hear it.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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