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confronting the conversation confrontation.

 So, yesterday was pretty good, right up until about 8 o'clock. Wilgus and I went to Jiffy Market, then hiked the butte, and then came back down to Jiffy, where Grant (Wilgus's friend) and Grant's friend, Ted, showed up. They ended up sitting with us for an hour or so, just chatting and whatnot. I was focused on finding a tattoo font, so I was fairly quiet and just listened to their stories. I think I laughed here and there. 

We left at around 6:40. Wilgus had a football meeting and I wanted to go home and rest, do some laundry, and talk to my parents because Dirk said he wanted to talk to me. I had a feeling it was something bad, but I kept my cool because I didn't want the conversation to get heated. I'd been home for a while anyway before we even talked. I changed, put some laundry in, played some videogames, and went to inquire what this talk was about when they opened their door.

I sat down on the bed, and said, "You said you wanted to talk to me?"

"It's nothing you would want to talk about," Dirk said.

"How isn't it?"

"I'm not in the right mindset. I don't want to get into another one of our fights. I'll talk to you about it later."

"Well, is it still okay if Wilgus comes over?"

That seemed to piss Dirk off, and so Dirk went off on me. He started complaining about school, and how I'm never home to do my chores, and housing a fourth body. I apologized for my chores and told him that I was going to go down to Lane today to see what was up, or what I could do. My mom has been trying to help me with this school stuff, and it hasn't been going right. I don't trust her, so I want to talk to a counselor. Anyway.

After Dirk got done yelling at me about chores and school, he started on Wilgus. That hurt me so bad. He said, "I shouldn't have to be responsible for keeping a roof over YOUR boyfriend's head," etc etc. I have completely kept them up to date about Wilgus's situation. I've told them that the house is supposed to be done within the next two weeks or so. So I almost started crying, and was trying to explain to them that Wilgus isn't an extra or added cost. He showers the same time I do. I've done his laundry twice, and I do it with mine. He pretty much only sleeps there. He doesn't eat the food, and he doesn't use anything of theirs and ruin or destroy it. Wilgus told me, after everything, he was going to get them a gift for the house as a "thank you" to them for letting him stay there. Anyway, the fight went on.

I walked out of their bedroom, trying to hold back crying, and was like, "Okay, I'm sorry." Because I honestly didn't know it was such an issue. Dirk, nor my mom, had never objected to him coming over when he I asked. And there were a few (maybe two nights?) where I didn't text or ask if he could come over, but that's because it was a work week for them and it was already so late anyway. So I walk off into my room, because I'm frustrated and hurt, and Dirk comes in to ream on me again. This time is was pretty much about Wilgus, and I felt like I was in this awful, unfair position to make my boyfriend stay somewhere less convenient, which we  both ended up doing. So I asked Dirk, "Should I call Wilgus and tell him to find somewhere else to stay?"

"That depends entirely on you," he said.

"I don't  understand. How does it?"

"Depends on your behavior."

"My behavior? I don't understand how I've been behaving badly. I don't know how to rectify this situation anymore than I already have. Everything is out of my power. I did my chores today before I left, like I'm supposed to. I'm going down to the school tomorrow. I can't make tomorrow come any faster. I don't know what to do, or how to help. There's nothing to do."

"There's nothing left to do anymore because it's already been done."

I just sat there feeling like the dirt of the Earth, completely helpless and defenseless against Dirk. It was like he was spitting hot acid on me and I couldn't move. And so he kept yelling at me, and I kept trying to defend myself, and I remained as calm and rational as I could. The fighting just went on, and then he said, "I seriously just want to kick you out. I want to tell you to pack up your shit, and get out of here, so you can get a little perspective."

"Thank you," I muttered under my breath.

The entire time this was going on, I was seriously wondering how bad I had seriously been, or if I was missing something and didn't see it. I ended up calling Wilgus and telling him he needed to find somewhere else to stay. He was like, "Shit! Really?"

"Yes," I said.

"Is everything okay?" he asked.

"No, it's not. I'll tell you about it later." By that point, Dirk had walked off into his bedroom. Wilgus told me he'd just gotten to my street, and was turning around. I told him to go back and park on the street and we would talk. So I went outside, grabbed a cigarette, and vented heavily to Wilgus while he stood there saying, "That's not fair." No, it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that I was taking an undeserved verbal lashing, while Dirk indirectly put tension between himself and Wilgus, and me and Wilgus, and Dirk and I. The entire situation was so blown out of proportion, it felt surreal. Eventually I just sat down in the parking lot of the apartments across the street and cried. Wilgus came over and held me, rubbing my back, telling me to breathe.

He said he was going to go stay at Eli's in the tent in their backyard. I felt awful. There's no toilet and no running water there. It made me feel so shitty having to put him back there, because I know he doesn't like it. I didn't like it. I was furious with Dirk.

I had to go back inside to get Wilgus his wet, unfinished laundry. So I went upstairs, grabbed his shaving cream, tooth brush, tooth paste, and razor, along with all my essential toiletries. I washed my face, because my make up smeared with my tears and sweat. I then went downstairs, grabbed a trash bag, and started unloading Wilgus's laundry. Dirk came down, again, to start talking to me, so I told him: "Every time we fight, you don't give me my space. You don't know how to give me any breathing room to calm down. Can you please do that for me, just this once?" And he flat out told me, "No." 

He proceeded to start up about Wilgus, and was mad that I did his laundry. I was just livid with him at this point, shaking and trying to stop from crying again. He started making more threats about kicking me out, and I seriously had no reply. My mother was upstairs letting the whole thing happen. And all I could think to myself was, what kind of parent kicks their kid out over chores and their boyfriend staying at the house? I couldn't fathom any of it. He started accusing me of never thinking about what he wants, or his needs. He said, "When I start feeling like you aren't giving me what I need, or what I think I need from you, I'm going to start hounding you about it." Which is what he does, but he doesn't do it calmly or rationally. He lets the flood gates loose and drowns me. So in that moment, all I could reply to him was, "I'm sorry this has been such an inconvenience to you." 

"You know what? I'M TIRED OF YOU DISRESPECTING ME AND NEVER THINKING ABOUT WHAT I NEED FROM YOU. I'M TIRED OF YOUR PISS POOR ATTITUDE TOWARDS ME AND YOUR MOTHER, AND I'M TIRED OF YOU NOT GIVING A SHIT. IF THIS IS HOW YOU'RE GOING TO TREAT US, YOU CAN TAKE YOURSELF AND FOLLOW YOUR FUCKING BOYFRIEND'S LAUNDRY OUT THE DOOR. YOU CAN GET OUT."

I was shaking. I couldn't say or do anything. I grabbed his laundry in the garbage bag and set it on top of my laundry filled basket.

"Also, if you leave, you need to fucking lock the door."

"I do lock the door."

"I just came down and the door wasn't locked."

"I went outside to talk to Wilgus. I could see the front door from where we were standing."

"Well, I didn't know that."

"I always lock the door. I even lock the door when Mom's home. "

Silence.

"In fact, I'll lock it for you now."

So I shut the door and locked it. I took our laundry to my car, put it in the back, and followed Wilgus to Turtle's, where he fed me and listened to me vent some more. Turtle's is where I started stressing about a place to stay, and where to go. I even stressed about my relationship. I became fearful. Fearful of losing, what seems like, the only recently solid thing in my life. I love him, and I appreciate him. I would be so hurt if anything were to happen to us because of the position Dirk likes to corner me into; because of the position my mother won't help me out of.

I literally have nothing. I don't have a high enough paying job to get my own place. My school situation is all screwy right now. I'm scared that my life is starting to unravel before me and I don't know how to stop it and make it secure again. It's been a heavy cloud on my mind all night and all morning.

We left Turtle's, and I felt so weak. I felt heavy. I felt sick and angry. We got to Eli's and he got the stuff out of his room for the tent. I sat down and cried. I cried for like five minutes. It was loud and echo-y. It was heavy and wet, and I soaked his shirt and neck. He held me, and that felt nice. But then I thought about losing that nice feeling and cried even harder. He rubbed my back.

I stopped crying eventually, and we finished putting up the tent and got everything inside. He hugged me, and I said, "I hope this isn't going to make me lose you." He said, "Baby... that isn't going to happen." I regret saying that now, but I needed comfort.

 He was quiet and far away when we laid down, and it made me feel pretty terrible. I curled up away from him and dwelled and let everything just fester inside of me. I resented Dirk. I was angry with my mother. I was scared that a future with Wilgus would cease to be. I was quiet and he was quiet and the silence was killing me. I didn't know what he was thinking. He knew exactly what I was thinking.

He ended up come over and rubbing my back and my butt. He curled up on top of me and looked at me. I glanced at him, but I was so upset that I was afraid to really look at him. I hated that he was seeing me so low. I hated that he was never going to come stay at my house again because Dirk was irrational and my mother useless. I hated everything about the situation.

I moved, and he said, "Come here." He squeezed me, kissed me, and said good night. I fell asleep quickly.

We were restless all night. He woke up, I woke up. I asked him once if he was okay, and he replied, "I'm delirious." It's funny now, but I dismissed it before. My hips hurt all night. The ground was uncomfortable, and I wanted my bed. But I felt like I couldn't go home. Dirk kicked me out. Again.

We woke up at 8:15 this morning and left. We came to Jiffy Market, which is practically like a second home, just without a shower. I went straight to the bathroom when we got here, brushed my teeth, and put my bra on. I'm in what I slept in last night. My hair is greasy. My eyes are puffy from crying. I look homeless and a wreck.

I'm going to try to go home later and shower. I don't want Dirk to be there. I don't want my mom to notice me if I do come home. I'm still so angry with them. The thing is, I know they expect me to apologize, like this is all my fault. But I just took the beating and got thrown out. I'm a good kid. I don't do anything, and they kick me out. I can't comprehend any of it. 

Things feel strained all over the place.

Comments

( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
soundlyy
Sep. 15th, 2010 09:38 pm (UTC)
Don't forget that my house has a shower and a bed, okay? Seriously. Text my dad. Call my dad. Say you're crashing in my bed or whatever, anytime. He gets it.

It feels like this is happening more frequently, and it sounds pretty tiresome. It's obviously unfair, but maybe you should start looking into getting a better job than Regional so you don't HAVE to deal with it. Getting a roommate or something like that. They can't keep putting you through this and Dirk obviously doesn't GET it.

I'm confused on why you thought things were going to end with Wilgus because of this kind of situation. It worries me because it makes me feel like you feel like when you can't offer something to Wilgus that he'll feel like he doesn't need you and if he feels like he doesn't need you, he won't want you... but that doesn't seem to be what you're relationship is about. Actually, Wilgus sounds like he was pretty comforting (which I think you realize now in retrospect). I'm just worried how Bobby treated you is affecting your relationship with Wilgus. You seem timid of the other small things that would probably go away if you just talked to him about it and had open communication like I know you know I've suggested before. Maybe I'm reading too much into everything, but you know me.

I love you.
ohkenzie
Sep. 15th, 2010 11:24 pm (UTC)
The whole thing with Dirk is so frustrating. He doesn't listen to me and he never lets me calm down. I know I can call your dad and talk to him. I would have last night, but it was late and I did not want to impose.

As far as Wilgus, I think you're spot on. Bobby really did mess me up. I feel like if something happens to me, and it's completely out of my control; or if I feel really emotional about something, I can't or don't want to show it because I'm scared it will drive him away. And I don't want that at all. Wilgus makes me so happy, and I feel really lucky to be able to call him my boyfriend. So yeah, I'm frightened of losing him, especially over something like that.

I don't know what to do about it or how to talk to him about it, because I don't want him to feel like my ex boyfriend is haunting me or something. You know I want Bobby removed from my life. But I can't help these silly fears. And I think it also has to do with having something indefinite, like my parents' relationships. It seems like all three parents have just had failed, miserable relationships, and I'm just really scared of having something that I enjoy so much slip through my hands because I cried, or because I wanted him too much, or because of something like last night, where I can't control it.

I think I'm okay now though, but it still bothers me slightly. I don't know how to handle it.
soundlyy
Sep. 15th, 2010 11:33 pm (UTC)
I think you should write him a letter? You know we are better letter writers than anything else.
ohkenzie
Sep. 15th, 2010 11:34 pm (UTC)
You don't think that would be weird? I just don't want to scare him away. That's my biggest concern.
soundlyy
Sep. 15th, 2010 11:42 pm (UTC)
Well he said I love you first, so... no, I don't think it would scare him away? I mean, in terms of "luggage," wouldn't you want to know what made him feel vulnerable or insecure so you guys could work on it together so that the other person never had to feel that way?

Also, if that DID scare him away... like, how much do you want to be with a person that can't see where you're coming from and have an open communicative relationship with?
ohkenzie
Sep. 15th, 2010 11:45 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I suppose you're right. I'll write him a letter tonight while he's reffing his football game and give it to him either later this evening if I see him, or tomorrow.
vafaseek
Apr. 8th, 2011 06:53 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the information. I think that you should wash your face at least 3 to 4 times a day. You’ll be surprised how much better your face will look.

nuhukeen
Apr. 14th, 2011 06:01 am (UTC)
Excellent post I must say.. Simple but yet interesting and engaging.. Keep up the awesome work!

( 8 comments — Leave a comment )

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