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Mackenzie

dudee

first off thanks for you message

i really appreciate it

second

im a complete and total mess

2:42pmRyan

of course, i'm here for you..

2:42pmMackenzie

thank you thank you

2:42pmRyan

did you go to school today?

2:42pmMackenzie

sorta

this morning was worse

i got to school

and didnt even get out of my car

i was just crying

so i went home

and took a shower

and cried some more

and went to third

and almost cried in class multiple times

so i decided to ditch 4th

2:43pmRyan

=[ i'm so sorry

2:43pmMackenzie

it's alright

im just very confused

things were really okay

2:44pmRyan

ok, as in before the last night?

2:44pmMackenzie

yeah

things were great

we talked often and things were good and then last night happened and he's like "i don't want this anymore, let's just be friends"

2:45pmRyan

i know you know this, but having a relationship like you had is incredibly hard

2:45pmMackenzie

i know

2:46pmRyan

and takes a couple to both be a bit insane or crazy to make it work

2:46pmMackenzie

well i thought we were both

2:46pmRyan

you both were, that's why it lasted as long as it did

it just comes to a point where the heart isn't strong enough to keep going

i'm not saying that's what happened, but that's what i've experienced

2:47pmMackenzie

he blamed me and then today he's blaming school

i don't know anymore

2:47pmRyan

blamed you for what?

2:47pmMackenzie

it's awful how much i love him

i don't know

he said was young and sophomoric still

which i don't agree with

2:48pmRyan

hmm

2:48pmMackenzie

i mean i know i'm 18

2:48pmRyan

well, biologically we're both young

2:48pmMackenzie

but that doesn't make me YOUNG

and he's 20 and that doesn't make him old or MATURE

2:48pmRyan

agreed

it sounds like he's the one being immature about the situation

2:49pmMackenzie

yeah

he does this

something happens and he wants out

i just

don't understand

2:50pmRyan

do you know why he's making excuses to get out of the relationship? or is that what you don't understand?

2:51pmMackenzie

he said it was school

he said he couldn't handle anything else but school

he says that he wants me more than anything

that he loves me and i'm beautiful and blahblahblah

2:52pmRyan

that's it?

2:52pmMackenzie

those are the key parts from our conversation that i remember

YOU KNOW WHAT MAKES ME UPSET THE MOST?

we went on this like break for a few days

end of january beginning of this month

we didn't talk or anything

and he came back

and said that he missed me so much and he didn't want to be without me

and he says "let's get married someday"

THAT MOTHER FUCKER

HAD THE NERVE

and now 20 fucking days later

he doesn't want to be with me because of "stress"

2:54pmRyan

it's unbelievable

and quite clear he doesn't know what he wants

2:54pmMackenzie

no

he's so back and forth

i hate it

i'm so mad at him

and he's like, "why can't you just be happy with being friends"

because i'm in love with you

soundly and passionately

because i've been with you INTIMATELY

and because you made promises

that you are currently breaking

2:55pmRyan

this is so bizarre

2:56pmMackenzie

sometimes i don't know if i'm crying because i want him to say that he was being stupid and that he just made a mistake and that i want him back, or if it's because i'm so completely outraged at how he's done this THREE TIMES NOW and he still expects me to be his best friend and remain his
 

Ryan

well it's both

the first, is your intimacy, passion, and love for someone you've been with for a long time. your heart speaking

the second is knowledge, rationality, process, your mind speaking

2:59pmMackenzie

i know, and it's irritating

you know what he's going to do? he's going to send me a text in a few days telling me that he loves me and blahblah but he won't want to get back together

and he'll keep doing that

"i love you, blah blah blah"

2:59pmRyan

i really don't want to say this

but

3:00pmMackenzie

if it's sex i don't want to hea rit

'cause i know

and it makes my stomach hurt

3:00pmRyan

i wasn't going to go there in particular

i wouldn't say that to you mack

:/:/

3:00pmMackenzie

well thanks

i appreciate it

but just saying

the idea of him with another girl

literally i could die

 

Ryan

i know the feeling

like taking a wind mill and tossing it inside your internal organs

3:01pmMackenzie

that's what it feels like

i mean i feel like every vein in my body has seized up and is gasping for air

that's what the idea does to me

3:02pmRyan

i know..

:(:(

3:03pmMackenzie

why couldn't my parents just do me a solid and move there?

lol

3:03pmRyan

hahaha

ya no biggy

3:04pmMackenzie

jesus it's not like they'd be leaving much behind

they have this crazy fear of living anywhere else

my mom moved to washington and she hated it

WASHINGTON AND OREGON ARE THE EXACT SAME

3:05pmRyan

haha true

3:05pmMackenzie

i feel werid

3:06pmRyan

just do me a favor and don't get perma stoned for 2-3 weeks, it really doesn't help the healing process

3:06pmMackenzie

no i don't think that'll happen

i might have someone buy me a bottle of wine

i'll probably write about it too

watch, i'll write some great stuff within the next few weeks

haha




there is more that i will elaborate on when i am not so upset and am not crying every 20 minutes.

Flakes.

I'm sort of not very happy.

First off, Yesterday was Jake's birthday. I thought we were really cool. Like, really cool. We were hanging out a lot, he was telling me lots of information, I was listening and sort of telling him things about Bobby and I. I dunno, I just thought we had a really cool, easy friendship. He had a BBQ at his place or whatever, and he posted it in his status. I TALKED to him while I was getting my hair done, and wished him a happy birthday. So I said, "Thanks for inviting me," which I guess I should have put a ", lol" after it, but it really doesn't matter. He replied, "I only invited close buddies. I'm sorry." Like, really? I understand we haven't been best buds since 9th grade, but you would think that someone you are fairly open with about things and have been hanging out with a lot would INVITE you to a social gathering. I dunno, I think he's a big ol' flake, to be honest. He does things--talks, hangs out, etc--on his terms, pretty much, which I don't really like? He gives a lot of mixed signals, even for a friend.

Then there's the whole Bobby thing, with him just disappearing and not even trying to contact me.  I'm upset by that the most, I think. He was starting to talk to me, and then just didn't. He just stopped, without any attempt to say, "HEY, this is what happened, I am doing this, I am okay." Like, there was absolutely no consideration, even though I texted him multiple times throughout the day. I'M SORRY BUT I AM NEVER SO BUSY OR DISTRACTED THAT I DO NOT CHECK MY FUCKING PHONE. EVER EVER EVER.  I mean, maybe his phone died, MAYBE. But still. If my phone died, I would be like, "Hey, I need to get ahold of my significant other at some point and let them know what's going on so they don't think my absence is WEIRD or take it the wrong way."  Apparently I'm the only fucking person in the world with any forethought, though. Besides Megan, probably.

My dad (Dirk) was pissing me off all day, too. As soon as I came home from my hair appointment he was on my case, telling my mother not to baby me, that I could cook for myself. I was starving and feeling dizzy and light headed. My blood sugar dropped, I could tell, because my body felt weird and I was weak and had NO energy all day long, not until way later in the night after I'd had some food. My mom basically told my dad to shut up, saying that didn't baby me very often, and liked to when she felt like cooking for me (I don't really see how cooking for me is babying me?). Anyway, so he was doing that. And he's always really rude to me in front of company, too. Like he has to prove something to them. I feel like if he has a problem with me doing something, he could give me a look rather than vocalizing everything and exploiting me. I don't think that's fair. It's like your boss degrading you in front of your co-workers. IT'S SOMETHING YOU DON'T DO. I went out with my mom after that, and she got me a burrito from Burrito Boy, even though she'd already made me a grilled cheese earlier, so I was grateful and appreciative of her for that. I was starving, so I just ate it while we walked around the mall until I felt adequately full.

When we got home (my vase had fallen earlier before my mom and I left the house, and I thought it broke), I, at some point, went into my parent's room, telling him that I needed my dvd's back because they were leaning and pushing everything off the shelf. I had already picked up the contents of my vase and placed it back on the shelf in a manner that would prevent it from falling again. So I went in, and he started yelling at me, getting really bitchy for NO REASON. "I'm TRYING to do something with your dvds, but if YOU WANT THEM BACK, then just take them." I told him, "My dvds are falling off the shelf and pushing my glass vase off, and my Buddha. I need to make it so they don't lean." He just wasn't getting it. "Can't you find some other way to do it?" I said I couldn't, that I already tried. And he just got irrationally heated about the subject and basically told me to get the fuck out of his room with my shit. I was really confused and angered by this, so I just took my dvds and left. Oh yeah, we argued about which ones were mine. "We gave you the duplicates," he said. "Yeah, I know," I replied, "And these are the duplicates." So I'm in my room trying to fix my dvd shelf and my vase falls again. I now have two sets of dents in my desk, right on the edge, from the impact of my vase. Everything spilled to the floor, and I was extremely agitated by this, so I said, "GOD DAMN IT." Right then, OF COURSE, my dad comes in yelling at me about something, I don't even remember. He was just being a huge douche and I'm really quite frankly tired of him taking everything out on me. I am starting to lose respect for him.

I ended up going to Barnes & Nobel for about two hours or so to do lit homework after that happened. I did my vocabulary packet and started reading The Canterbury Tales, and got halfish way through The Prologue. I don't like Chaucer, at all. I dilly-dallied around in the Non-fiction area, and of course found myself flipping through the pages of Persuasion. I really wanted to get it, but I did not.

I came home after that, blahblahblah. I talked to Megan a bit about Chandler (code name, haha) I think, and about Bobby, and my dad, and her dad, and fighting. We pretty much just vented to each other. It was nice.

I ended up going to this kid's house that I had seen at school before he graduated, but didn't really know, because my ex-coworker/potential friend was there and wanted to hang out. At first I wasn't sure if I was going to go, but I really didn't want to sit at home and think about Bobby all night, or continue to be irritated. So I left at about 11 o'clock, I think. I got over there, and I got sorta lost because his street was not marked clearly at ALL. I kept driving back and forth. The only reason I knew I was at the right place was because of Ryan's Jurassic Park jeep.  So Tanner, Ryan, and myself all sat around watching the Olympics for probably twenty minutes while Ryan and I just chit-chatted. Tanner eventually went to bed, which I thought was awkward, and left Ryan and I together. He was drunk already when I got there, but he was coherent enough to have a decent conversation with. It was like that most of the time. He was drunk, I was sober, and we talked about a lot of things: working at Gamestop, people, tattoos, weed, Erin, raves and ecstasy, how we're both in long-distance relationships, etc. etc. It was pretty fun. At around 3:45 though, I think his drinking caught up with him because he just slowed way the hell down and got really tired. He was pretty unresponsive, and was talking a lot of jibberish, lol. So I left at 4 o'clock and came home.

I'm going to finish my English homework and reading when I wake up. I want to go to work with Megan because it is a good way to spend four hours. I also want to avoid any potential confrontation my dad may greet me with tomorrow. I have a feeling he will.

I am also dead broke. I need to collect money from Will asap, as well as cash Megan's check on Monday. I tried to today, but they were closed. I am infinitely stressed about work, and the whole incident on Thursday. I have felt awful about it since it happened. The intensity of it all has not left my system, and I get tight and feel bad in the stomach when I think about it.

OY VEY.

Frothy.

 Today. Today today today. I slept for a lot of it, I guess.

I woke up, went to school. I decided to deposit my check from Regional last night. I ended up leaving my keys in the ignition and locking my door. I didn't have a spare at home, so I had to call my mom. When the phone stopped dying, she said she'd come over. I ended up calling my insurance company, who sent me a tow truck. I waited for 20 or so minutes in the car with my mom. The tow truck man came, and he was very nice. He sorted my situation out, and I didn't have to pay anything because road-side assistance is free!

I went back to school after that. I told my math teacher I was late because of the whole key thing, and she acted very disinterested, which bothered me.  People in that class irritated me.

I drove all over trying to find a place to cut a spare key. I finally got that done at Home Depot. I grabbed Wendy's on the way home.

I ended up taking a nap after I ate because I felt awful. I still feel pretty run-down. I woke up at 8:30, which was an hour longer than I wanted to sleep. 

I'll probably end up taking Ambien in an hour or so and go back to sleep.
I am in a pretty alright mood!

First of all I hated my hair, but then I got it to a way I liked. That is one of the reasons I am happy.

School was okayyy. I skipped fourth and I ended up hanging out with Natasha Krasen then entire time. I forgot how great of a girl she is. We were pretty close Freshman and Sophomore year, but not so much recently. I love her. Anyway, we just talked about regular stuff, like college. And motherhood. Is that normal? She told me that her best friend Adia is moving to Georgia tomorrow and that makes her SAD. I sort of want to get her something to make her feel better. She is one of those people that is always happy happy happy, so when she is sad sad sad I feel sad. Anyway, she's a TA for Mr. K. When she finished doing the stuff in the hall, we went into his classroom. "Want to do me a favor?" he asked her. "Do my grocery shopping? Ever since Cody's been pregnant she goes through yogurt like it's going out of style." So we agreed to go across the way to PC Market and get him 8 things of Nancy's yogurt and 6 Fuji apples. We picked out some nice tulips for him to get to Cody, since he asked. It was fun.

After school I had my Applied Arts class, and that was pretty good. It was kind of easy and I listened to Modest Mouse and Pinback the whole time I worked. I was going to go running but it is very wet outside, and I don't want to catch a sickness. Plus it's getting dark out, and I don't really want to run in the dark. Also I'm very hungry and have a headache, and I don't want to run with either.

I SENT BOBBY'S GIFT TODAY. We made up last night. I feel good about sending his surprise. I drew little ghosts on the front of the envelope. He will probably (or his mother first) be like, "Wtf?" haha. It's okay though. 

I am very hungry. I shall venture to find food! In my dark, empty house. My parents are always gone when I come home. Weird!

I'm not particularly enthusiastic about today. I have headache.

English English English. I don't like Mrs. Faunce. SHE IS SO EXHAUSTING. She talks and talks and talks and I feel like she's not really teaching English at all. All I know is that when I left the class today I felt drained of everything. I also don't like her as a person, I don't think. Some kid in the class asked, "Do we need our books today?" so she replied, "If you want to study and take notes, then yes." The kid asked, "Well I left it in my locker, can I go get it?" She rudely replied, "Take a tardy? Sure, go get it." The kid just kind of sat there dumbfounded with his brow furrowed. I felt bad for him. 

Math wasn't that bad, we just took notes most of the class. We have two assignments due tomorrow. And I just realized I don't have graph paper. Fuck.

After school I deposited my check from Regional. I still have to call Alan about my two dollars. After that I went down to Smith Family Books and sold some of the ones I'll never read. They gave me $5, which wasn't much but it went toward my new Pinback CD. 

Thennn I went back to my bank, withdrew money for insurance, went home to give it to my dad, went to Blockbuster to return movies, then went to CD World for Pinback. I got their Summer In Abandon album, and I really like it.

I had KFC for dinner, but I only had like two bites of the chicken. I really like their mashed potatoes and gravy, and their biscuits oh my god. 

Bobby is mad at me because I was honest with him about being insecure and something I noticed on Facebook and he told me to grow up. Go figure. We have not talked all day and I do not want to. Jake texted me earlier while I was driving home from CD World, but when I replied he never texted me back. 

I put my laundry away, and I'm rewatching the first season of The Big Bang Theory that Megan lent me. 

I'm grumpy and I want my tattoo.

The last few days have been alright. I'll start with a briefing of the weekend.

Saturday was good. I went over to Megan's. We originally had plans to go to  Pita Pit, Smith Family Books, and the art store to look for stationary, BUT WE DIDN'T. Megan got a virus on her computer and so she had Will (from work) come over to try and fix it, which he didn't really manage to do. He basically went into Safe Mode, scanned her computer, downloaded some really cheap anti-virus software, and quarantined it, but didn't even do that. As soon as he rebooted it the virus was popping up in the form pornography websites all over. So I told Megan to bring it with her since she was staying the night, called my father, who agreed to fix it. And he did. 

When we got over to my house we watched the pilot episode of Dead Like Me, which Megan liked so that is good! It made me really happy actually, because I'm very enthusiastic about the show. We ate some crackers and cheese after that, and talked with my parents. Around 11:30 we went over to my friend Jake's house. For a while it was just the three of us, Megan, Jake, and I, and we talked about a lot of good things that made all of us laugh. Then his friend from work, Kyle, came over, and eventually things just got weird and aggressive. He started taking about a third mass genocide to eliminate the majority of the over-populated world, which was kind of scary. Megan and I were giving each other looks and Jake and I were giving each other looks and then Jake said, "Kyle, I can't tell if you're fucking with us or not." That made things feel lighter. Kyle kind of ignored that, and us, and started talking about bears and people being eaten by bears, which eventually led to him Googling pictures of mangled skin and dismembered body parts from bears, to which Megan and I firmly objected to. He did not listen. "How about sharks, then?" HE WAS SERIOUSLY PROPOSING THAT BECAUSE HE WENT TO TYPE IT IN. Then just just Googled giant bears, and Megan asked him about his obsession with bears. "I don't have an obsession with bears," he said, "I'm a hunter." He was kind of an idiot about things. 

The four of us ended up going outside so they could smoke, which I thought Megan and I were too, but apparently we were not. I think it was because Jake was lower than he had anticipated, which was fine. We stayed out in the cold for a while, and Kyle said more stupid shit. "I have a nail in my tire. I need to change it before my dad finds out," or something like that. We all commented on how his dad probably wouldn't get mad at him for having a nail in his tire because there isn't a place to go with infinite nails to drive through that you could get stuck in your tire purposely. I think that was the only thing he was logical or reasonable about that night, and he was stoned. Jake ended up telling us about his ghost, whom he suspected was the guy that died right behind his house in a truck. I got creeped out, so I told my ghost story to counter it. When we finally went back inside, we ended up watching Monsters Inc. I will never get tired of Disney or Pixar movies, not even when I'm 90. In fact, when I'm 90, I'll probably enjoy them the same was when I was 9. Anyway, Megan fell asleep on Jake's bed almost instantly, and I fell asleep about a half hour into the movie. I woke up once at 2:30am and Jake asked, "Want a cookie?" I said yes and he gave me one, which I ate and then fell back to sleep for another half hour. I woke up at 3:00. Jake was hunched over on a pillow sort of passed out in a chair, so I shook Megan awake and we went home. 

When Megan and I got home we promptly undressed and went to bed. We talked for a few minutes about Kyle and Jake and then she fell asleep again. I had to pee SO BADLY, so I waited for my dad to get out and was texting jake. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Thanks for having us over again. We had a really good time!
Jake: Yeah, thanks for coming. I'm glad Megan had fun. We three should hang out again sometime. 
M: Yeah we definitely should. Sorry for falling asleep lol, your bed is very comfortable.
J: Yeah it is. It's ok, it's kind of flattering that way. 
M: Okay good, lol. I just thought it might be awkward seeing me sleep.
J: You're actually very pretty when you sleep [:

I said some other stuff I don't remember that were on a different subject. I think he apologized about Kyle and said that he hoped we didn't get a bad first impression of him, so I think he knew we did. I told him he was just very intense with the death stuff and seemed all aggro. Jake said he wasn't like that at all. I don't know if I believe that, lol. I eventually fell asleep.

Sunday I did a whole lot of nothing. I took Megan home at a little before 11. She was panicking a little when I got home because none of her browsers were working except for Firefox, so I tried to help her with that and eventually fell asleep. I woke up with a pretty bad headache and whatnot. I didn't wake up until 3pm. I did some homework and browsed the internet looking at various things, talking to people, etc. I took my Ambien which had absolutely no effects, not even sleepy ones. So I read, and watched t.v., and did some more of nothing. I didn't get to sleep until after 6am, and my dad came in at 6:30 asking why I was still up. "Your light's on," he said. "Why are you awake?" I was so upset so I said, "I AM NOT awake," and got up and unplugged my light. 

My alarm went off at 8:00am and I hated life.

So yesterday I did a whole lot of nothing too. School went by in a blur because I was tired and stuff. Work was slow because I was tired. I talked to Wilgus a lot more, which was sort of awkward because of the two dreams I had about him. They were not so sexual that it was like I have a visual of you in me and on me, but it was definitely visual in the way that I was like YOU TOUCHED ME. Both instances (dreams) it was paired, Megan and Cute Guy, Wilgus and myself. I find it really weird because in a different reality, that seems to be accurate. But at the same time, I don't have a thing for Wilgus even though he's attractive. And both dreams took place at work, sort of. I told Megan about these dreams, and she is amused by them. When I told her I had Wilgus on my court last night she texted back, "Sorry lol, I am amused." I just sort of smiled the entire time. 

The first game was so easy but sooo boring. Basically the away team got raped. "Poor kids," Josh said. "THAT'S WHAT I SAID," I told him. I'm glad Josh works Mondays and comes to keep me company. Between the first game ending and the second game starting, Wilgus and I were talking about basketball tattoos and how most of the people that come into Regional that have them are awful. "I saw a girl with a white tattoo," he said. "I want one." 
"Do you know what you want?" I asked him.
"No," he said, and laughed. I reported this to Megan and she said that she wants a white tattoo on her wrists and so do I.

At half-time of the second game I asked Wilgus what he does besides reffing. "I ref other places," he said. "I play a lot of golf, too." When I asked him what he did on the weekend, he said, "Golfed," and he couldn't remember what else. That game ended up being a stop-clock and The Ballaz won by just a few points. I was worried for a while that it would be a stop-clock and an overtime, because for a while both teams scores were 58 and 58, but home pulled away and won 64 to 58 or something. Wilgus always stays behind with me when I pack up the box, which I like. He usually sort of talks, and walks, and then he always says goodbye and have a good night when he leaves. I saw Scott, too! So that was very very nice. 

When I was at the front I had to fill out this tax form again, and I saw Cute Guy but we didn't say anything to each other. Keith handed me my check, which was $2 less than it normally is. I've got to ask Will if his check was the same, and if it wasn't, text or call Alan about it because I want my $2 if it wasn't purposely taken out. Apparently Will and Gunnar's checks were normal. Time to call Alannnn.

When I got home I was starving and tired and had a headache. I made a salmon patty and had more cake. I don't want anymore cake. After I ate, I talked to Bobby for a few, and then he went to sleep. He wasn't talking and I was feeling sort of agitated, so I asked him, "Do you want me to leave you alone?" 
"I'm just reading and prepping for bed," he said. "I'm whole-heartedly engaged in this belief system right now, so it's hard for me to deviate from one thing to another. Don't be offended. I'm just trying to focus is all." I didn't say anything after that. It kind of hurt my feelings, I don't know why. Probably because I was in a bad mood already. A few minutes later he said, "I'm going to bed." I told him I loved him and goodnight, and changed my MSN status to away and put a "." as my message. "Are you mad at me?" he asked.
"No, I'm not," I said. 
"Well please some making me feel bad then." 
I asked him how I was making him feel bad and we talked some more and I said, "It's 11:11, make a wish." He said it wasn't 11:11 there, so it didn't count. I told him it didn't matter, so he said, "Fair enough." I wished for him. I have wished for him at 11:11 since the summer. I don't know what he wishes for. 

I took Ambien last night at 11:30, I think. I didn't go to sleep until after 1am. I lost an hour somehow. I was laying in bed and I lost an hour. I don't know where it went. I had minor hallucinations again. The ceiling was moving, the colors were different on things. The textures of my phone and the screen and my blankets were different. I was talking to Jake. We were having a conversation about me hanging out tonight, but I don't think that's going to happen. "You can stay over whenever you like," he said. I don't know where the conversation was going. I was so out of it. Like, extremely out of it. I lost an hour, and then I fell asleep.

I woke up with a migraine. I felt sick to my stomach. I still feel sick. My head is all throbby and light hurts it. Jake told me about  a dream he had. I was in it. It was about me. I asked him what it was about, what happened. "We were in college and dorm mates," he said. "You were telling me how that every time I look at you it's the most sincere thing you've ever felt. I reached out and put my hand on your cheek. It was a good dream." Now I remember, Jake told me he liked me somewhere in the conversation, but I didn't grasp it.  I don't know what to do about that. I discreetly told Jake about the dream I had about him. Discreetly. "We were talking on the phone and then our words just sort of became very intimate." I was hoping he wouldn't know what I was talking about, but he did. "Sex is AWESOME," he randomly said. That made me feel awkward. He knows about Bobby, though. He knows everything about our relationship, sorta, minus all the intimate sexual details. He knows he's in New Jersey, that I love him, very very very much. He knows I'm moving out there for school, for Bobby, for my life. He knows everything. 

Bobby sent me this e-book last night, called The Gabriel Method. It's a weight-loss and/or exercise book, but apparently it's a lot more intellectual and deeper than that. I mean, there's more to it than just tips on how to lose weight. I started reading it last night. It seems interesting, but Bobby's been a little weird about things ever since he's finished it. I'm going to read it though, even though I probably won't apply it to anything in my life. The only books I've ever applied to my life are the morals of Harry Potter and the aspects of love I read about in various novels. The publishers of the book are Simon & Schusters, and then a place here from Hillsboro, Oregon. That made me feel relevant and connected to the world somehow, because the editor lady I met was from S&S, and I live very near Hillsboro. I told Bobby that. "I don't understand. How aren't you relevant? You're always relevant." I told him, "I don't know, I just don't sometimes." 
"Because of me?" He asked.
"No," I said. "Sometimes I just don't know where I'm going, or what I'm going to be doing in a few years. Sometimes I don't know what I'm connected to, directly or indirectly, and it makes me feel irrelevant." 
"That's why you need to read this book." I feel a little skeptical, but what have I got to lose? 

I need to save up money for a hair appointment. I need a new dress, or something. I have been feeling less attractive lately.

Mrs. Darcy.

 Tonight was pretty spectacular despite my slightly sore stomach and pounding headache.

The necklace I got in the mail ended up being from Bobby. Overall it's very sweet. I love it, and I wore it all day until I thought I was going to take a shower, but then I remembered I had to take back Marie Antoinette

Anyway, Bobby was being very sweet. He said all kinds of things that I feel like documenting. 

I said something about him being perfect. He replied:
Everyone knows Adam was but a man and you, being a woman, were created from rib and were made out to be perfect for Adam, Eve.

He made me smile a lot and I said something, to which he added:
You mean if I told you that if narcist had a long-lost relative who was to be born in 91 in Eugene Oregon who lacked all the faults which create a moroes one and contain the hidden ingredients from Powder-Puff girls chemical X to make the perfect girl? (Even though you weren't born in Eugene :x)

It'd been a while and he was supposed to go leave (like five times already) to go read Frankenstein, and I was prodding him to go, so he said: 
Well obviously it's hard to walk away. Quite similar to when you see the clock at 11:11, you just wish for it.

I won't tell you that I've never wanted to hold something so bad but at the same time hold it so softly that it'd almost feel like we were conjoined, or that I want to touch you everywhere.

Him: Have you read Persuasion? No, right?
Me: I was going to buy a copy when I was at the book store the other day but they were all new! Why do you ask?
Him: Because. You're my Anne.
Me: I'm going to read that next. I have to.
Him: I would refer to myself as Wentworth, but it wouldn't quite fit, and you shall see why. (HE USES "SHALL" <3)
Me: I'll pick it up as soon as I can.
Him: Okay Mrs. Darcy.(!)

I said something about him cheating, which is what we say when we get the best of each other and all fuzzy and stuff.

Him: Cheating would be me saying something like looking at you is as like reading Robert Frost, Jane Austen, and Hemmingway at the same time.
Me: That is cheating.
Him: You're Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening, but we've got miles to go before we sleep, and miles to go before we sleep. Actually, no. Cheating would be more along the lines of being with you is like having every single novelty (not novels) of literature right next to you and being able to feel the words. Goodbye, Mrs. Darcy.
Me: Why goodbye?
Him: I have to leave, remember? Perhaps you were too entranced.
Me: Just a little.
Him: It's just hard being an enaromed young man when I'm amorous and see an amorous girl who I Adorne.
Me: Go go go before I melt anymore.

Then I smiled, and he asked why I smiled, and I told him what I texted Megan. "HE CALLED ME MRS. DARCY. I have found the perfect man." to which she replied, "OH MY GOD."

Pretty much he was just sweetness all over. He said another few things like, "I love you, Mrs. Wentworth (in a much later time). Don't take that literally. You'll understand that when you get to Persuasion."
"I believe you!" I said.
"You're my White Oleander (minus the contagion in it). I love you."

He was also telling me about he is reading this sex book for MONOGAMOUS COUPLES. He said that he is reading it for me and not him, because he wants to make me happy happy happy in ze bed. 

I could marry this man.

I'm a spark, you're a wire.

 Last night was good, and then scary. Like literally scary.

Last night I went to my night school class for applied arts, which is actually going to be cool. I really enjoy the teacher, too, whom I've had before--Tom Ulrich. He likes Modest Mouse! I have to take an abstract picture of something. But first I need batteries for my camera, or to develop the film in my camera. Whichever.

I came home and ate, sort of. Then I was like, I REALLY WANT NEW MUSIC. So I went to Best Buy looking for Pinback, and an assortment of other bands I listen to, and the only one they had was Spoon. That was irritating. I saw the Manchester Orchestra album, Mean Everything To Nothing, however, and decided to get that. I ran over to Target quickly just to make sure they didn't have anything, or that cd cheaper, and they didn't. I was content with my cd so I went home and put it on my computer! I listened to it in the shower this morning.

I finally also got my Ambien script filled at Costco last night, so I got to take it last night when I went to bed. I've taken it before so I didn't read anything or really take any precautions, because I didn't think I'd need to. Ambien works fast so I started feeling sleepy pretty rapidly. However, sleepy turned into straight up hallucinating. My ceiling was moving as it had suddenly transformed into a bendable and flexible substance. The monitor of my computer became sort of 3d-ish, but also kind of cartoony? I couldn't type for the life of me. It was like my keys were running away from me, dodging my fingers every time I went to hit them, and they became covered in woodland moss. Because my hair was down by my face, I would look in my peripheral vision, and there was a forest. No joke, trees and everything. I remember getting off the computer, after trying to talk to Bobby but he left and told me to go lay down (which made me mad and even more scared), and laying down. That's when I noticed my ceiling moving. I got sick sometime after that and stumbled my way into the bathroom to throw up. I texted my friend Jake and told him I was scared, and I tried texting and calling Bobby, but he wasn't responding or picking up. I think I left him a message, but I can't remember. I passed out soon after that. Bobby called at 11 something and woke me up, and I tried talking to him. I think I asked where he was, and I remember him saying he was in another building, and I started to panic but I was so out of it. 

I woke up at 7:45 this morning fine, though. I felt a little queezy still from throwing up, but other than that, I felt well-rested. I got ready, checked my stuff, and skedaddled off to school at 8:50 or something.

First was alright. It was really lax, actually. I sit in the back though, so I can text and get away with pretty much anything, lol. We worked on two labs for most of the period, which were easy. I LOVE MICROSCOPES. I love looking at stuff under them. They are so cool.

Second was pretty alright. It was just Spanish 1, but I kind of enjoyed it. I have to study for the test on Monday, but it's mainly just the alphabet and some phrases and whatnot. I think I can maybe get it? At the beginning of class though, Mr. Engstrom (I love his name!) was all, "Ahh! The mystery woman! Where have you been?" 
"I have been ill with a bad case of insomnia." 
"Oh. Yeah. That's bad. Well I'm glad you're here." and he walked me up to the front of the class so I could find a place to sit and handed me some papers and I got right to work on my Spanish. At the end of class, he called me to his desk to ask how I was feeling. I said I thought I would be fine with a good study session this weekend. Then he forgot about being a teacher and socialized with me while other kids were waiting, asking me about my sleeping problems, and said that he too himself had sleeping problems. "I've got about nine hours of sleep in two days under my belt right now, so I feel pretty dead." He then told me about some teas, Sleepytime tea, and Sleepytime tea extra sleepy. We have some, so I may try it out.

Lunch was not bad. I went home and in great detail told my mother about my hallucinations and being sick last night. I ate a bagel and went back to school, only to find English had been cancelled. Lovely.

So I ended up hanging out with Lacy in the IHS hall while she drew a unicorn on a piece of paper. We talked about various things: boys, Erin and her ridiculous living situation, school, IHS, teachers. It was good. I left her at 1:30 because I was dying of thirst.

Advanced Algebra was boring to say the least. AND I SIT IN FRONT OF A BOY WHO SMELLS SO BAD. Literally, this kid smells like rotten eggs, bad BO, and just.. it's so gross. Like this kid has probably not showered in a month and doesn't know what deodorant is. I'm tempted to buy him some. Honestly I don't think giving him any would be mean. It's not mean. He stinks. There's this other boy in there who is very vocal and has to respond to every little thing, it's so annoying. The boy behind him who is sort of cute for a sophomore(?) stared at me a lot. It was awkward because I feel a million years older than those kids. 

When I got home today my mom was like, "You have mail for you on your desk." There was a package there. I did not order anything, lol. The last thing I ordered was Dead Like Me, and that has already come. I opened it, obviously, because it's addressed to me and I was eager to find out what was in it! It's a heart necklace, composing of sterling silver, diamonds, and dark blue sapphires, which happens to be my birth stone. I am suspecting that Bobby sent it to me, but I am not completely sure! I know he said he had a surprise for me, but I thought it would be a poem or something of the likes. AND THERE WAS NO NOTE WITH THE PACKAGE. It's straight from the manufacturer, which makes it a little less personal? I dunno. I sent him a text asking if he got me a necklace, but there has been no response. If he did, though, it's very sweet. Like very very very sweet. No boy has ever bought me jewelry before. The tag on it said $200, but I'm not sure if that's correct. I want to know who sent it! It is around my neck though, lol.

Other than that I just have a slight headache and am a little hungry. I think I'm gonna head over to the other Smith's in a bit. 


 Todaaaaay was not so bad! I am tired though, wow wow wow.

I could not sleep last night AT ALL, so I read a lot of Adverbs and got through the chapter Soundly, and it was so beautiful. I felt both good and sad. I hope love like that exists. Actually, I know it does. Anyway, it was lovely, and I teared up, and now I'm in love with that chapter and that book the same as Megan probably, which nice. It's fantastic.

I have been sleeping very badly ever since I've come home from New Jersey. I lay awake in bed for an hour or two, or in this case of the last few days, six hours before I fall asleep. You can imagine how that interferes with life and school and being a functioning human being. Last night I read, and then tried to sleep, and then couldn't, and then read, and then tried to sleep, and then couldn't. Not until 6 o'clock in the morning. That doesn't work for me. 

I ended up missing an appoint with my counselor in the morning and felt TERRIBLE about it but I could not even find reason to drag myself out of bed I was so exhausted. So when I did finally get around to waking up, I immediately told my mother that I haven't been able to sleep for a while, and it's getting worse, so she called and made me a doctor's appointment at my doctor's office on Chambers. I went to school first to check in with my counselor, and then skedaddled on down to make my appointment. 

Because I'm eighteen now, they ended up having to create and put me on a separate account, which took forever and I was technically 20ish minutes late to my appointment just by sitting at the check-in counter. When they finally got all of my information entered in, she asked me to pay the co-pay, so I handed her my card. She came back, saying, "It looks like we're doing only cash today. So you can either pay on the way out after you're done with your appointment, or we can just bill it to you." THAT MAKES NO SENSE TO ME. Why can I pay when I'm leaving but not while I'm sitting there checking in? That kind of blew my mind. Whatever. Then I went to sit down and started reading Adverbs. When the nurse called me back, on the opposite side of the check in counter, so it was like doing a wide "U," she asked me what I was reading. "Adverbs," I said, "by Daniel Handler. Do you know who Lemony Snicket is? The guy who wrote the Series of Unfortunate Events?" She shook her head no. "Well," I said, "it's the same guy. Anyway, this book is about love. It's a love story. Each title of the chapter is a different adverb for the way you can love someone, or the way these people loved other people. It's a great book. You should read it." She seemed really interested, and she was REALLY NICE. I love it when I get nice nurses, because it makes the doctor visit so much better. Anyway, when she left the room she told me to feel better and get some sleep and I tapped the book and told her to get it if she could. Then the door clicked.

When the doctor came in (it was a MAN. I don't like man doctors), he had this kind of sluggish speech like he was trying very careful to be precise about everything that he was going to say. He asked me all the standard questions, Why are you here? What medicines are you taking? What have you done already to help your problem? I told him I wasn't falling asleep and that it was probably stress related because I'm very stressed about school. I said I lost my Ambien script (I call them scripts now, because that is what they call prescriptions out on the East coast, primarily in Jersey. It's odd) and then he told me things about helping sleep that I already knew. I told him that, and lied when he asked if I did drugs or drank, because occasionally, I do. Anyway, he went on about this list called Sleep Hygiene and was like, "Bed is a place for sleep. Not for watching television, or reading, but sleeping." He paused. "...And other things." MY DOCTOR, WHO IS A MAN, MADE A SEXUAL PASS AT ME. I find that wildly inappropriate but I also found it hilarious so I just smiled a lot and held my breath to keep from laughing. I thought the man was kind of an idiot, because he just kept telling me things I knew and told me about Ambien which I was already educated about, all in his sluggish speech. He ended up writing me a script for 10 Ambien pills that I have to fill tomorrow. 

After my doctor appointment I went back to school to check in with some teachers. I grabbed food from PC Market and then went home, and then went hunting for Adverbs at Smith Family Books, but to no avail. I went to Barnes & Noble, too, with the same results. However, I got a copy of The Tales of Beetle and Bard, a hardback copy of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets from Smith's, and then The Wasteland and Other Poems by T.S. Elliot and Darkside Zodiac: In Love. So basically I spent too much money on books for myself and didn't find what I was looking for. I'm going to the other Smith's bookstore tomorrow and taking all of the books I will never read again to see if they will buy them. If they don't have another copy of Adverbs I don't know what I'm going to do, because I really want Bobby to read it, and I want to send it to him as a gift with my surprise, but I'm not really interested in lending out my copy just yet, lol. Amazon.com has one for $7.00 right now though, hardback, so I might order that and then send everything maybe!

Now it is 8:00 exactly and I am tired. I am going to watch Dead Like Me and read some and talk to Bobby when he is done reading his 500 line poem by Percy Shelly. By then I assume it will be an appropriate time to sleep, which I am going to do tonight I think. I'm very excited about sleep. I love sleep so much, and it makes me crabby that I am not getting any. 
 I am in an infinitely bad mood and am going to watch Dead Like Me until sleep.

That is all I have to say.

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